Therapy

So this is what being in limbo feels like.

And this is what being told you're going to miscarry is like: It's a bad dream materializing out of nowhere, one's worst nightmare coming true.

Anger. Disappointment. Sadness. Fear

My anger stems from wondering why those who do not have the reason, the need, the capacity or even simply, the desire to have kids are the ones who conceive, carry to full term and deliver. My anger reaches boiling point every time I see or hear news of babies or kids being abused by their mothers.

Then I look at my body, my still pregnant body, and there's disappointment.

My frailty gawks at me as I look back at it questioning the decisions I've made in the past  -  what I might have taken, might have eaten, might have done, all those that caused my already broken DNA, what with my own mother miscarrying four times before she had me after 13 years of marriage, to wreak havoc on my reproductive system. And all this time I have been questioning the wisdom of medical professionals why this and that body can function well and mine, after being given that fleeting chance to conceive, can't.

I remember my dad's desire to see me complete and not have his history repeat with me, I feel my husband's love and desire to have a family, and I see expectant moms sport the glow I had for just more than a week after discovering I am pregnant and already I am knee-deep in sadness. I still caress my tummy and take my pre-natal vitamins hoping, praying, wishing that who I am fighting for is still developing well.

But has he/she even developed? I was told by two doctors, a sonographer and a handful of women who miscarried, perhaps out of their own bitter experience, that the baby, my baby was not even there to begin with. See the human in me is afraid I'll be mocked for the actions I've taken and the decisions I've made for this pregnancy. I resigned from my job. I justified my actions to those who told me to take extreme caution in expressing my happiness. The human in me at times is devoid of faith, afraid I can never give my husband a baby, afraid I'll end like my mommy, afraid I'll end up staring in a few days or weeks in a pool of blood and in shock over a palm-sized sac signalling that I'm empty.

Still I am fighting. Just trying to get this out of my system. I still am trying to eat well and take my pre-natal vitamins. I still am trying to coax my little baby to prove the medical experts wrong. I still keep Google up and running for positive stories, for news about miracles. And I still am keeping the belief that the ultimate Medical Expert above has all the right reasons for everything  -  even for those who might not know or understand yet why they conceived, carried and delivered.