Cautiously Pregnant: 10 Weeks

Actually, it's more like nine weeks and five days (and counting!). Since I'll be leaving soon for my native country, let's post this blog. :)

It's been almost two weeks since my OB diagnosed me with miscarriage. From what I have read online about other women's experiences, it could take anytime between two weeks and as long as five weeks before the actual miscarriage happens. So far? Two weeks down. Phase One over. Three weeks to go. And I'm close to betting that my baby is safe.

The past two weeks though felt like I had gone to hell and back. Hell was a swirl of anger, sadness, bitterness and doubt. I wallowed in it. I sought for answers from science and from experiences of other people. When my mood turned for the worst, it felt as though all I could find were negative answers and hopeless experiences even if I found, at an earlier time, stories of miracles and faith.

But I think I am still lucky to have trusted myself to cling on to however small amounts of faith in what's unknown or unseen. I still have, after all, the symptoms to signal that my pregnancy is very much intact. The What To Expect When You're Expecting website, of which I am a subscriber, still e-mails me weekly updates of how my baby and I are supposed to be doing and feeling. Like I said, I still have all the classic symptoms (sorry for the TMI!): increased white-ish vaginal discharge due to the ever-increasing estrogen hormone, constipation (argh... gotta increase my fiber!) and round ligament pain that's either sharp or dull and of which only lasts only a few seconds due to my enlarging uterus. I also recall several pregnant women on Baby and Bump saying that even if breast tenderness comes and goes and is eventually to decrease, nipple contact is very much like having a really sharp poking sensation (ick!).

Going back to where I have been clinging, it feels now that the One up there who's unseen by the naturally observant human mind but felt by the faithful human heart, has been trying to pull me up towards a better grasp  -  from a barely hanging on pinkie to a full arm grasp. Left and right, during the past two weeks, have been declarations from loved ones of prayers for Sergs and me and most especially, for our little baby. At one point, I even thought, these prayer warriors are like invited lobbyists in the Congress of Heaven. They are lobbying for me and my family in the House of God. :)

Existing are messages of faith and love too  -  from previously pregnant friends' faithful experiences, a heart-rousing and seemingly non-political speech of a Pro Life volunteer (considering I am for the Reproductive Health bill in the Philippines!) to assigned readings and sermons during mass. All I really need is to block disillusion and cast away doubt that God is talking to me.

So why is this blog still entitled "Cautiously Pregnant"? It's because I am slowly trying to leave everything to Him. I know that I can only do so much as my mind, its questions and its natural tendency to analyze and overanalyze, are not ugly and evil spawns of faithlessness but beautiful creations of our merciful and gentle Creator. Though He has the power to control, He guides us for most of the time in our human life thereby allowing us to make full use of our abilities. If our abilities fail us, whatever happens, He's always present to take over and catch us during our fall.

Maybe I have truly miscarried. Or maybe I still have a viable pregnancy. Either way, He knows my deepest desires, part of which is to become His instrument of faith.