Cautiously Pregnant: 10 Weeks

Actually, it's more like nine weeks and five days (and counting!). Since I'll be leaving soon for my native country, let's post this blog. :)

It's been almost two weeks since my OB diagnosed me with miscarriage. From what I have read online about other women's experiences, it could take anytime between two weeks and as long as five weeks before the actual miscarriage happens. So far? Two weeks down. Phase One over. Three weeks to go. And I'm close to betting that my baby is safe.

The past two weeks though felt like I had gone to hell and back. Hell was a swirl of anger, sadness, bitterness and doubt. I wallowed in it. I sought for answers from science and from experiences of other people. When my mood turned for the worst, it felt as though all I could find were negative answers and hopeless experiences even if I found, at an earlier time, stories of miracles and faith.

But I think I am still lucky to have trusted myself to cling on to however small amounts of faith in what's unknown or unseen. I still have, after all, the symptoms to signal that my pregnancy is very much intact. The What To Expect When You're Expecting website, of which I am a subscriber, still e-mails me weekly updates of how my baby and I are supposed to be doing and feeling. Like I said, I still have all the classic symptoms (sorry for the TMI!): increased white-ish vaginal discharge due to the ever-increasing estrogen hormone, constipation (argh... gotta increase my fiber!) and round ligament pain that's either sharp or dull and of which only lasts only a few seconds due to my enlarging uterus. I also recall several pregnant women on Baby and Bump saying that even if breast tenderness comes and goes and is eventually to decrease, nipple contact is very much like having a really sharp poking sensation (ick!).

Going back to where I have been clinging, it feels now that the One up there who's unseen by the naturally observant human mind but felt by the faithful human heart, has been trying to pull me up towards a better grasp  -  from a barely hanging on pinkie to a full arm grasp. Left and right, during the past two weeks, have been declarations from loved ones of prayers for Sergs and me and most especially, for our little baby. At one point, I even thought, these prayer warriors are like invited lobbyists in the Congress of Heaven. They are lobbying for me and my family in the House of God. :)

Existing are messages of faith and love too  -  from previously pregnant friends' faithful experiences, a heart-rousing and seemingly non-political speech of a Pro Life volunteer (considering I am for the Reproductive Health bill in the Philippines!) to assigned readings and sermons during mass. All I really need is to block disillusion and cast away doubt that God is talking to me.

So why is this blog still entitled "Cautiously Pregnant"? It's because I am slowly trying to leave everything to Him. I know that I can only do so much as my mind, its questions and its natural tendency to analyze and overanalyze, are not ugly and evil spawns of faithlessness but beautiful creations of our merciful and gentle Creator. Though He has the power to control, He guides us for most of the time in our human life thereby allowing us to make full use of our abilities. If our abilities fail us, whatever happens, He's always present to take over and catch us during our fall.

Maybe I have truly miscarried. Or maybe I still have a viable pregnancy. Either way, He knows my deepest desires, part of which is to become His instrument of faith.

Cautiously Pregnant: A Faithful Week 9

Why weekly "Buntis Chronicles" became "Cautiously Pregnant", allow me to try to explain in the simplest way I can: It's acknowledging the life my husband and I conceived and the fact that, in spite of a very gloomy declaration of my OB about me miscarrying, I still haven't bled and experienced scary cramping. Our little baby is still, therefore, very much in me, and is worthy of this blog, however short this may be.

So let me now say that I have the wisest medical expert on my side who's just a prayer away. It is, therefore, not over 'til it's over, baby. It's only just my 9th week after all.

Pinoy Fare I'm Looking Forward to Eating!

Hubby and I only have nine days left before our flight to the Philippines so let me just say that over the past few weeks, my mind couldn't stop thinking about food  -  mostly Filipino food.

Sinigang na Baboy

There was a day I craved painfully for sinigang (tamarind soup) that the moment I tricked my husband into stopping by the nearby Asian store at our area, I grabbed more than just the Sinigang with Gabi mix from Knorr: I gleefully grabbed a bunch of water spinach leaves (kangkong for us Pinoys!) not for the sinigang (I have bok choy leaves or pechay for that!) but for another typical rural Filipino fare: Boiled Kangkong with Bagoong (Shrimp or Fish Paste  -  I like Shrimp Paste or alamang better).

Boracay Garden & Grill in South San Francisco, CA

A few days prior to cooking Sinigang na Baboy, we went to this place called Boracay Garden & Grill near downtown South San Francisco where we had the Filipino version of Chop suey (sauteed vegetables and meat with thick sauce) and Lumpiang Shanghai (the Philippines' version of egg rolls and/or spring rolls).

And even if I am normally not a fan of Pinoy dessert, my pregnancy hormone just pushed me to purchase, a few days later, not one but two Pinoy snacks from a friend who jokingly once told us that it must have been because of his Palitaw (Flattened Sweet Rice Cake often dipped in sugar and coconut) that we were finally able to conceive. Anyway, apart from his Palitaw that hubby really loves, I also bought Hopiang Ube, a purple yam-filled Pinoy pastry of Chinese origins.

Going back to the countdown to our flight, now that it has started with my luggage almost full, I intend to take back with me to the US more than a year's worth of food-gasmic memories enough to cover for me until our next vacation. After all, one thing my tastebuds have learned in the US is that Jollibee is never the same anywhere else; you just can't duplicate that "langhap-sarap" (Filipino for "delicious aroma/smell") flavor. All those being said, allow me to cover ground for food guru Andrew Zimmern's declaration that "Filipino food is the 'next big thing'".

If I were to show a foreigner why abovementioned statement is legit, I'd have him/her eat:

Lechon Manok from Baliwag

1. Baliwag's Lechon Manok. Or Roast Chicken. I'm very sure that anyone who dips the delectably marinated and fragrant juicy chicken leg in Mang Tomas lechon sauce (not necessarily Baliwag's sauce, I think) and pairs it with steamed white rice will have, afterwards, gone from food heaven and returned to tell a wonderful experience. Coming in close, taste-wise, is Andok's version. It's just slightly more pricey and sometimes a little dry. Either way, roast chicken, Pinoy-style (with tanglad or lemon grass leaves and/or pandan leaves mixed with Sprite for marinade)? It's my "manna" from heaven! Whole Chicken Price: $7.00-9.00

Jollibee's Famous Slogan

Jollibee's Chickenjoy

2. Jollibee Chickenjoy. A half Pinoy I worked with at Bank of America bows down to Jollibee's fried chicken. He said it surely can't be compared to KFC's. Obviously, this guy hasn't been to the Philippines where, many would argue, chicken is cooked and flavored so uniquely and generously well (refer to #1) that big chains like KFC, Jollibee and Mcdonald's (Yes! Mcdo serves fried chicken there!) are neck and neck in the fried chicken business. Why I said such is a reference to my earlier statement that no one can just duplicate that "langhap-sarap" flavor even if it's the same company with the only perceived difference being is location. Apparently, "location" can't just be underestimated when it comes to food as the ingredients are different therefore the taste a little varied and the food practices either more strict or more lenient (Jollibee's "langhap sarap" campaign can't be, uh, "smelled", upon entering a branch in the US unlike in the Philippines). I don't even like Pizza Hut or KFC anymore (that could change once I switch time zones) even with the fact that I now reside in these food chains' country of origin. It's only Goldilocks (I live five blocks away from the nearest branch!) that has been able, in my opinion, to maintain the consistency of the taste of the food it serves. 2-Piece Chicken with Rice Price: $3.00-4.00

Siomai House

3. Siomai House's Pork and Shrimp Siomai. Shao Mai, siumai. Whatever the Chinese agrees on or decides as the correct spelling and pronunciation for this dumpling (just one of the many versions of the Western meatball), however I tweak my own recipe and ask the food gods for favor, no other dumpling can beat Siomai House's product. It's basically a fragrant ball of crushed shrimp and ground pork that's nothing too strong in taste that even dialysis patients like my dad are allowed to eat. Their chili garlic blends well with calamansi (Filipino lime) and soy sauce that a serving (four pieces) or two is more than enough to fill my happy tummy. 4-Piece Siomai Serving Price: $0.50-0.70

Bihon Guisado or Pansit Bihon

4. Pansit Bihon/Bihon Guisado. I really, really want to recommend Amber Golden Plate Restaurant's Bihon Guisado but it's just a little too inconvenient, money-wise and wait time-wise that I'm sure my foreigner friend would happily settle for a lesser known restaurant's version. Suffice to say, one only has to mix thin rice noodles with Filipino Chopsuey ingredients and broth (minus the cornstarch) and have calamansi or soy sauce to taste ready to understand why Filipino-Chinese say the dish lengthens one's life: If mixed well with the right ingredients and secret spices (my dad's not-so-secret ingredient: brown sugar!), it's flavorful enough to make one emotionally happy after consumption. It's also arguably complete where "nutrition" is concerned, as it has protein (meat), carbs (noodles) and fiber (veggies). :) Price depends on size and location: $1.50-10.00

Sticks (apparently, one can't have just one stick!) of Chicken
Isaw served in cups filled with vinegar in UP Diliman.

5. UP Diliman's Isaw, etc. Okay, so at this point, maybe one can already tell that I'm not so much of a health nut but at this number, I'm happy to declare that I'm a food adventure freak! So maybe I haven't eaten (yet) a grasshopper or a live worm (probably not) but "isaw", simply put, is either chicken or pig intestine. The Diliman campus of the University of the Philippines (UP) is famous for its cheap and clean (seriously!) barbecued delicacies, particularly those what Pinoys think as edible parts of chickens and pigs that are otherwise thrown away or set aside as dog food particularly in the US. These delicacies that include but not limited to Isaw (I love "Betamax" or Grilled Coagulated Pig's Blood in particular) are sold by vendors in street stalls in the afternoon. Many people have written why UP Diliman's Isaw is famous. I'd say it's mostly because a.) I'm a proud alumna of the university; b.) the barbecue marinade caters to my sometimes sweet tooth; and c.) I love their dipping sauce served in small cups which is basically vinegar ingeniously mixed with red onions (considering I hate onions to the highest heavens!) and other flavor enhancers that I drink it afterwards (thus my acid reflux...lol). Price depends, again, on serving size and location. In UP, it's between $0.25 to $1.00

Super Supreme Stuffed Crust

6. Pizza Hut Philippines' Stuffed Crust Hawaiian Supreme. I recall a high school classmate saying that Pizza Hut Indonesia has the better pizza (than the Philippines'). Since I haven't been there and I'd have to taste (and smell) to believe, I'd settle towards comparing Pizza Hut US and Pizza Hut Philippines. Or maybe not. No food fights here but my admittedly limited or maybe "enough" experience with Pizza Hut in the US is not really that great. US branches are mostly limited to delivery and pick-ups and I have yet to see a bistro-style Pizza Hut like those that are in the Philippines. As for my choice of pizza? Well, for starters, I grew up loving Hawaiian Supreme but I'm mostly biased towards Pizza Hut Philippines's "melt-in-your-mouth mozzarella cheese baked in a crust laced with a hint of garlic butter". I have yet to eat one in the US that's at par with this kind of food-gasm. Pan Pizza Price: $8.00 to $18

Rodic's famous Tapsilog

7. Rodic's Tapsilog. Shaved beef mixed in garlic rice topped with sunny side-up egg? I just died and went to food heaven! Seriously speaking, this was my typical treat for myself while I was a student in UP Diliman. Rodic's slightly sweet version of quick-fried beef strips (tapa or the "tap" in tapsilog) served with garlic rice (sinangag or "si") and fried egg (itlog or "log") may be a little bit on the expensive side for students and those living on a tight budget but it's definitely worth the little cholesterol ingested, I promise. :) Price: $2.00

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So maybe I'm not the most reliable, information-wise and tastebud-wise but one thing that makes eating above dishes so much worth the experience is the Filipinos' way of saying "Kain tayo!" or "Let's eat!". I've tried expressing such to my foreign colleagues but full comprehension somehow just ends where difference in culture begins. A typical Filipino may not have much food in the table but he'd, for sure, gleefully share whatever he has with anyone and that, for me, makes eating a truly enjoyable experience. It also doesn't hurt if the food is cooked well, Filipino-style. *wink*

Therapy

So this is what being in limbo feels like.

And this is what being told you're going to miscarry is like: It's a bad dream materializing out of nowhere, one's worst nightmare coming true.

Anger. Disappointment. Sadness. Fear

My anger stems from wondering why those who do not have the reason, the need, the capacity or even simply, the desire to have kids are the ones who conceive, carry to full term and deliver. My anger reaches boiling point every time I see or hear news of babies or kids being abused by their mothers.

Then I look at my body, my still pregnant body, and there's disappointment.

My frailty gawks at me as I look back at it questioning the decisions I've made in the past  -  what I might have taken, might have eaten, might have done, all those that caused my already broken DNA, what with my own mother miscarrying four times before she had me after 13 years of marriage, to wreak havoc on my reproductive system. And all this time I have been questioning the wisdom of medical professionals why this and that body can function well and mine, after being given that fleeting chance to conceive, can't.

I remember my dad's desire to see me complete and not have his history repeat with me, I feel my husband's love and desire to have a family, and I see expectant moms sport the glow I had for just more than a week after discovering I am pregnant and already I am knee-deep in sadness. I still caress my tummy and take my pre-natal vitamins hoping, praying, wishing that who I am fighting for is still developing well.

But has he/she even developed? I was told by two doctors, a sonographer and a handful of women who miscarried, perhaps out of their own bitter experience, that the baby, my baby was not even there to begin with. See the human in me is afraid I'll be mocked for the actions I've taken and the decisions I've made for this pregnancy. I resigned from my job. I justified my actions to those who told me to take extreme caution in expressing my happiness. The human in me at times is devoid of faith, afraid I can never give my husband a baby, afraid I'll end like my mommy, afraid I'll end up staring in a few days or weeks in a pool of blood and in shock over a palm-sized sac signalling that I'm empty.

Still I am fighting. Just trying to get this out of my system. I still am trying to eat well and take my pre-natal vitamins. I still am trying to coax my little baby to prove the medical experts wrong. I still keep Google up and running for positive stories, for news about miracles. And I still am keeping the belief that the ultimate Medical Expert above has all the right reasons for everything  -  even for those who might not know or understand yet why they conceived, carried and delivered.

Buntis Chronicles: 8th Week (Gone Too Soon?)

I had a miscarriage. Or I am about to. At least that's what my OB said after my "formal" ultrasound yesterday at what's supposed to be my 7th week and 6th day. There was no fetal pole, no heartbeat. Just a yolk sac and what some say as a gestational sac measuring spot on at 17 mm.

In any case, if it is indeed one (as I've not had any bleeding), I really just want my body to pass it out naturally. I don't want any intervention of the medical kind. I just want only one type: the one only God could provide. There are miracles and one miracle is sleeping beside me at this hour so at this point, I leave everything in His capable hands.

Random Thoughts on a Hot Monday

A little bit on the panicky side as I've noticed recently the ebbing of my pregnancy symptoms. I know. Such is not a good thought considering my doctor has once again scheduled me for an ultrasound, this time, a formal one (first time with a transabdominal and 3rd time with a transvaginal). Like I what might have said at my previous blog, she doesn't seem to buy my theory that my little baby's age is just a week off or younger to be specific. My appointment with her's supposed to be tomorrow. I had it postponed to June 20 last week with DH less than pleased as he wants to celebrate Father's Day (June 17) with a full confirmation of baby's presence and heartbeat. And just this morning, expecting a call from Kaiser's Radiology, I called myself to follow-up and got today at 3:30 pm as the only available time. Next one's on June 19 so I grabbed today's. Anyway, I've been talking to the baby while caressing what is supposed to be my 2-month old tummy (looks more like a 3 or 4 month old pregnant tummy what with the bloating and all  -  but that's another story), asking him/her to make his/her presence felt like a little cramp here and there. It may just be my body reacting to what I so desperately want but I'd like to think my little lodger has been responsive so far.

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Watched the video I made for my husband for our first wedding anniversary. Cried again. Still in awe over what God gave me as a partner for a lifetime and more. :)


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I miss my dad. It's an everyday heartbreak for me knowing what he has gone through. And now I don't know if my decision to give away the scanner and printer we have at the condo in Mandaluyong will have yet another drastic effect on him, what with his reaction to the "losses" in his life as per his psychiatrist. My practical side tells me he won't even notice and that these equipment will have better use somewhere else since it's been gathering dust there for a while.


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SpongeBob's "To Love a Patty" cartoon episode was on my mind while I was making my very first burger. My first attempt was totally bland and dry. The second was still bland but quite juicy. The third was burnt. The fourth was juicy but quite salty. The fifth? Well I hope it's going to be perfect. :)

Buntis Chronicles: Week 7

He cradles babies in His strong arms and lovingly forms them in
His creative hands. Credits to advancedphotography.net.

Week 7. Or more like Week 6.

I was at Kaiser yesterday for a last-minute second ultrasound with my OB, Dr. Sharyl Hardiman. Good thing she agreed to schedule me for one as my last few days at work had been full of anxiety for me what with the back pain and lower abdomen strain from standing almost all day and dealing with challenging people.

The anxiety, however, did not end upon my resignation. Expecting at almost 7 weeks to see and hear a fetal heartbeat, there was none. We only saw a much bigger gestational sac and (what I still believe as my baby) a yolk sac. There was no fetal pole and the gestational age (GA) only measured at 5 weeks, 6 days  -  exactly a week off my measurement if based on my last menstrual period (LMP at 6 weeks, 6 days)!

Almost immediately, I was on Google mode, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Luckily, my OB, being the conservative that she says she is, did not say anything about D&C procedures (dilation and curettage, a.k.a. forced abortion) or anything else gloomy. She only delivered a very effective and safe spiel: "I'm sorry it was not the news you were hoping for." She also agreed with me that my irregular menstrual cycle and crazy ovulation could be the reason why the previous dating was off (a week and four days ago prior to said appointment, my LMP was at 5 weeks, 2 days and the gestational age at 5 weeks, 1 day).

Google, like my best friend, presented dozens and dozens of similar questions with positive answers. Like my worst enemy, it also presented a handful of responses that seem so rare and few but are so effective at freaking out a pregnant woman.

Just to get it off my system, similar to said gloomy responses was this: A former schoolmate, a week and a half ago, almost immediately sent me a private message in response to my not-so-discreet Facebook announcement that I was expecting. She told me to try to not be too overwhelmed by the response from friends and families I had been getting as so many things could happen in the next few weeks of my early pregnancy; that it was while working as a teller in an environment similar to what I described earlier in this blog that she lost her baby with no signs or symptoms (no bleeding or severe cramping, just a fetus with no heartbeat).

Naturally, said message felt like a storm (not a rain) on my parade. I obsessed (and still am obsessing) for days about it. News of other tellers miscarrying while on the job also contributed to my anxiety. The peak days of May and June (last day of May and first two days of June), however, became the final straw for me. Ordinarily, days like such that are filled with long lines and challenging customers and colleagues were tolerable for me. Pregnant Me said, no, shouted, otherwise.

Looking back, I still do not regret both my Facebook announcement and my resignation. The announcement was an open praise and gratitude to God as I thought I could not conceive naturally. The resignation from a job that I thought I was handling well was a way to take good care of this blessing that I received from Him.

As for Google's good news? Well, it turns out, IF I am (and I DO BELIEVE I AM) one of the many who belong in what turns out to be an ordinary situation for expecting women with irregular ovulation and menstrual cycles, then the baby, my baby is doing just fine. At 5 weeks gestational age, it's natural to see only a yolk sac inside a gestational sac. It means that our little baby is just a wonderful late bloomer, slow and shy but wonderful just the same.

Such then explains why at 5 weeks 2 days LMP and 5 weeks 1 day GA, we only saw a gestational sac with a little dot inside thought of as the yolk sac roughly measuring 1 mm; that my GA a week and a half ago could either still be accurate and the development was just slow OR it was just wrong and off at dating (ultrasound inaccuracy in dating at early pregnancy does happen!).

I have my original second routine appointment in a week. So what to make of this waiting game? I guess I just have to count my blessings to ward off the negative thoughts in my head:

• With the yolk sac in place, a blighted ovum is definitely out of the question!
• With my uterus thickening as per my OB, an ectopic pregnancy is also out of the question!
• With no bleeding or spotting and no severe cramping and with my HCG increasing (from 11K on May 30 to 14K on June 1 and 20K on June 3), I'm almost very sure that a molar pregnancy is also about to be kicked to the curb!

Anyway, let me end this blog by saying that I am keeping the faith. Last Sunday's mass struck me with this message from Him:

"Give thanks to the Lord who masters the winds

and the raging seas for He, alone,

is the perfect reason, the perfect timing."