For My Dad: My Hilary Swank-Robert De Niro Moment

About to watch 'New Year's Eve' on New Year's Eve....



..... so went my Facebook status a few hours ago. Caught for the first time a bus to the Tanforan Mall in San Bruno from Daly City just to accomplish this regular mission of mine of being touched by a feel-good movie. Never really thought I'd go past my usual "aww" and "haha" moment.

Somewhere in this link is my "past-my-usual-aww-and-haha-moment". If from this blog site's description you could already surmise I'm a daddy's girl then for sure you'd know I could identify with Hilary Swank's character in the film. I am Hilary Swank's Claire Morgan. My dad is Robert De Niro's Stan Harris.

You see my father, my daddy, is not perfect. But he is as sweet as any father can be to me, his daughter. I'm sure that in his own way, provided that if he were somehow a little better than he actually is (right now), he would want to be with me however far I am; that he would want to silently witness and cheer for how I've been and for how I have managed to raise and eventually pull down a giant crystal ball.


Happy New Year, daddy. In my dreams I am beside you, my head resting on your shoulder and you kissing my hand.

This Christmas

... will be my first in the US with my husband.
... will be my first away from my dad.
... will be my first with my first job in the US.
... will be my first without a 13th month pay.
... will be my first with my first Louis Vuitton bag, however pathetic this sounds.
... will be my first with an iPhone and not with a Nokia, again, however pathetic this sounds.
... will be my first wishing [now] more than an ever that a baby is on the way.
... will be my first feasting my eyes on San Francisco Christmas lights.
... will be my first without the Ayala decors.
... will be my first [literally] cold Christmas.
... will be my Christmas of my many firsts.

It's happy. It's sad. It's luxurious. It's expensive. It's a first in a totally and completely different way. There's a yin and a yang ring to it. And then there's the birth of our Savior.

The birth.

A birthday, any birthday, it is usually a cause for celebration. But this one's that of our Savior  -  our Savior who eventually died on the Cross so that from then on and in the centuries to come we'll have a Christmas that's brimming with lessons, like the bittersweet fruitcake in tragedies and like the glistening snow in the purity of joy.

Material Dreams

Every now and then, I'm guilty of looking at certain shops and websites that sell items whose extravagance could make both pretentious and practical eyes roll.

I'm actually a little bit of both  -  I'm pretentious on one side, practical on the other. I am willing to bet though that the impulsive in me could beat the impulsive out of anyone (one evidence is me buying an advance Christmas gift for hubby  -  a $100 gift card that he can only use for himself and himself alone).

Besides, it really doesn't hurt to dream, right? Many have spoken of how the brain can turn dreams into reality. Many have thought too that it can be the other way around. So whether or not the material girl in me drops by a website or a store to turn her dreams into reality or to exhaust herself into thinking a certain that-time-drool-worthy item is not worth it after all, allow me to post a list of what I could someday tick off as whether purchased or trashed:

1. VOLKSWAGEN  -  I couldn't really care less if it's a 2012 model. As long as it's a blue Beetle and as long as I can pay tribute to Bumblebee (Corvette, you are not the original Transformers Bumblebee car) and to my dad's blue circa-70s Volkswagen, I'm happy. Of course, it wouldn't hurt if it's brand new. *wink* *wink*

2. LOUIS VUITTON BAG  -  Make it specifically a Totally MM Monogram Canvas LV bag. I love its classic look and versatility and the fact that with proper care, I can turn it over to my future daughter and still not lose its value.

3. CHANEL BAG  -  I love a good, classic piece. And when I say "classic piece", this Chanel Large Flap bag fits and meets both my requirements and needs to a T.

4. RUBY AND DIAMOND EARRINGS  -  Almost two decades ago, I lost the half of a pair of ruby and diamond stud earrings (in yellow gold) that my mom gave me. I had a school-related accident and we thought it either fell somewhere or the one who assisted me got it and took it for herself. Whatever the case may be, to pay tribute to my mom and to the fact that ruby is my birthstone, I really, really wish to have one like it again. Almost like it. I don't want it to be in yellow gold. I want it to be in white gold. So lucky and happy to have found out that the style is still available.

I still have a few more items in my wishlist. A digital SLR camera (with an Adobe Photoshop software, please, LOL) and a new phone, included. These items though have yet to be more specific, brand or specs-wise. The four items above, in the meantime, would do. Is there a Santa Claus for adults? Or should I keep thinking (just thinking) that I should try the lottery once and for all?

Isn't It Ironic?

An old man turned ninety-eight

He won the lottery

And died the next day

It's a black fly

In your Chardonnay

It's a death row pardon

Two minutes too late...

-- "Ironic", Alanis Morisette

Excuse me as I try to be a drunken combination of positive and negative tonight. Sabi nga nila, "Walang basagan ng trip."

Tonight (or today) I applied the new Blogger interactive layout.

~~~~

Funny how this one came up when the one I've been curious about is the new Facebook Timeline.  Why is it, if it's launched already (I may be wrong here...), that I can't seem to find a way to apply the changes to my profile? Oh well... And about my old Blogger layout... Oh. That. Sh*t. No revert button. Have to apply a temporary, more logical, close-to-home layout.

Great flight back to San Francisco. Getting bumped to an earlier flight for free couldn't be more perfect.

~~~~

I wish though I shared it with my husband.

~~~~I miss my dad.~~~~

According to Steve Jobs and I quote: "Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do."

~~~~

He also spoke of being able to connect the dots of our own life by looking backward.

I've always known, and said, that I found my niche in corporate training.

~~~~

I am in operations. I truly hope this is just anxiety as I can't be picky.

It's 12:15 am. Was able to catch my favorite TV shows and play Cityville on Facebook.

~~~~

The bed is as cold as the Bay's natural airconditioning.

I love my new shoes.

~~~~

I just am not planning to use it to run from bad elements. God help me get through yet another week of 10-minute evening walks. :/

~~~~ I should treat my husband once I receive my first salary.~~~~

Received my associate handbook in the mail.

~~~~

Which reminds me, how on earth am I ever going to be able to finish my compliance training courses when, starting Tuesday, I will be performing my primary duties already as a teller?

On Faith: Let Me Be the Last Person to be Questioned

Now this is one touchy subject not just for me, but for a lot of people. I actually had not realized its sensitivity until I was told that my husband and I should join Couples for Christ or something like that to enlighten ourselves.

Honey, my husband and I neither need to join groups like that nor have the need for enlightenment where faith is concerned.

This comes on the heels of recent episodes in my life involving challenges after challenges after challenges involving my father's health. I feel bad about having to bitch at people who I know mean well but just rub me the wrong way when they tell me to be strong or to pray.

Darling, I have neither given up nor stopped praying.

See I believe that each of us has our own relationship with God. It's a belief that has not changed and has stayed with me through the different phases and chapters of my relationship with Him.

It is no secret that it is frowned upon by most people if discrimination exists on the basis of religion. I particularly do not like it if a certain group claims that their faith is stronger or deeper or that they are the only ones that can be saved during Judgment Day. Why? It is unfair. It is hypocritical. It is astonishingly boastful and contradictory to any teaching about humility.

Humility is about accepting that there's a difference between me and you; that what may be applicable to one may not be applicable to another. It is also about believing that no one is above anyone; that one's strength may be one's weakness and vice-versa.

I know. I do sound like a self-righteous braggart, contradicting my own words with what seem like double standard principles. But here's the thing: I do not need to join charismatic groups or switch religions to deepen my faith in Him and glorify His work. I'm not saying either that this is one firm resolve on my part to put a ban to keeping my options and my mind open about things like this. In fact, I laud the good that groups like these do. It's just I have my own way of proclaiming He is my God. And if I finally feel the need to be a part of one to expand my worship activities (Yes, dear friends, I go to mass! Regularly!), I will just join one. No questions asked.

I can go on and on like a self-proclaimed preacher so short of becoming one, let me end this blog by saying that though I truly appreciate words encouraging me to be strong and to pray, know that I just do. Otherwise, I wouldn't still be here. At all.

Dear Mommy

Happy birthday!

I'm sure that from heaven, you read my FB status earlier  -  five years have passed and there's not a day, a single day that I don't miss you.

When I woke up this morning, I cried. I cried just for the thought that, well, I can't share things with you and have you respond like you used to. But don't worry, mommy. The pain is much lesser. Gloria Vanderbilt, mother of CNN Anchor Anderson Cooper framed it well when she said that we never really move on or get over the loss, particularly the death of a loved one; that we learn to live with it.

Tell me though, how do I get through the start, or the middle/peak/climax  -  depending on which way or how you look at it  -  of a pain again? With dad, I am, once again, going through the same painful journey that I first had with you the moment you were diagnosed with Dementia of the Alzheimer's type.

I was in denial at first, firmly shunning thoughts of hardship and helplessness as I took things a step and a day at a time. And when time came that I couldn't shun these no more, I still walked forward as I knew there was no turning back.

Then again, what can I do when the very person I turned to when you breathed your last is now suffering, himself?

Mom, I know it's your birthday but on this very day that I learned about dad's condition, can you do me a favor? Can you hold dad's hand and whisper thoughts of assurance on my behalf as he goes through the amputation of his left foot? Can you stay beside him as he goes through yet another painful episode in his life? Can you let him know that I love him as much as I love you? Can you help him carry himself through the way you had done so during your time? Can you, just like you used to, help me pray to God to ease dad's suffering?

I know what I am asking for may be too much. It's just it tears me apart to have to learn about these things when I'm several thousand miles away.............

First September in the US

Being asked how long I've lived in the US is tricky for me. The answer's always composed of two parts: the one that says I arrived on an immigrant visa in July and the one that says I've been in and out of the country since 2008 on a tourist visa.

The above statements are not really borne out of anything technical, e.g. visa applications, immigration concerns, etc., but over the past couple of months I've learned that it's essential to be slightly on the defense whenever I find myself in similar situations. Why? I had to prove that though I am fairly new to certain things in my current country of residence, I am not clueless at all  -  something of which I had to consistently be clear about during job interviews. Plus, it's for my sanity too.  I just don't want to feel "tanga" (stupid's the more or less exact translation for this Filipino word but the bite that comes with saying the exact term is more appealing than saying or in this case, typing, its English counterpart).

Anyhoo, this blog's not really about my feelings of katangahan (again, "stupidity"). It's about what has happened so far since my last blog a month (?  -  far too lazy to check my blog list. lol ) ago. Why place this much emphasis now? Well, it's because the month of September in the US is the month of my many "firsts":

1. It's my first September in the US. I was in Florida and California in August of 2008. I returned to the country in January of 2009 to get my Nicaraguan visa in Los Angeles and in March of the same year for a week's worth of vacation/stopover in the Bay Area before returning to Manila. When I got married in 2010, I stayed with my husband at our South San Francisco home from January to July of said year.

2. It's my first time to miss a visit from Aunt Flo (yes, we're TTC). Six urine pregnancy tests and one blood test all said that no, I'm not pregnant. It's my Cycle Day 43 now. I'm normally on a regular 28-day cycle, give or take a day or two early or delayed. If I were pregnant, I would be six weeks on the family way already. This morning though, and I don't know if it's just my eyes deceiving me, I may have just been given a signal that this bloody old hag is soon to arrive. I know. Too much information. Can you blame me if I still am wishing for those two lines? At this point though, it's either I don't test (last test was a week ago) and/or Aunt Flo shows up to end my suffering.

3. It's my first time in Seattle. Sergs and I spent a long weekend in the state of Washington. We were there from September 9 to 12. Our very hospitable and gracious hosts who took us all over the city and beyond  -  Sergs's cousins Roger, Joan and Mike, and their partners Eva, Ivan and Lura, respectively  -  were also accommodating and warm  -  as warm as the weather when we got there! Seattle is normally much colder than the Bay Area but it was unusually hot when we arrived  -  perfect for a lot of firsts for my husband and me. Ivan and Joan took us for our very first boat ride on their sailboat, "Moment". Eva coaxed the Sims/Facebook-playing me to try their Kinect (for Xbox 360). My thoughts were also filled with Grey's Anatomy episodes with backdrops of the Space Needle, the usual tourist spots and salmon  -  lots of it! I didn't know Seattle was famous for this fish. Now I know. lol.

4. It'll be my first day as a full-time teller for Bank of America on the 26th. From this statement alone you can tell that there's a lot of firsts to it. It's my first job in the US. It's my first time in the banking industry, let alone, my first experience as a teller. I am actually excited. If the job had been in the Philippines, my emotions would have been the exact opposite: salaries of tellers in my native country are equivalent to my first salary after college graduation  -  my last job in Manila gave me four or five times of this amount. Besides, the fact that I'm a college graduate of one of the finest universities in the Philippines tells me I can do better. Right now though I can't be picky. For the 13 million who are currently unemployed in the US, I can now say that this job offer at least grandly pulls me away from this horrible statistics. My starting rate and the benefits included are actually better than most hourly jobs. It also doesn't hurt that I'll soon be working for the largest bank in the country and that the branch where I'll be assigned is composed mostly of Filipinos.

5. From the 27th to the 30th, it'll be the first time that Sergs leaves me alone at home. He'll be on a business trip in Oregon. Obviously I'd have to stay because of my job but then this also brings forth the fact that I'll have to make it on my own travelling-wise. Ayaw pa kasing mag-aral mag-drive eh even with the promise of a new Volkswagen. lol.