Dear Mommy

Happy birthday!

I'm sure that from heaven, you read my FB status earlier  -  five years have passed and there's not a day, a single day that I don't miss you.

When I woke up this morning, I cried. I cried just for the thought that, well, I can't share things with you and have you respond like you used to. But don't worry, mommy. The pain is much lesser. Gloria Vanderbilt, mother of CNN Anchor Anderson Cooper framed it well when she said that we never really move on or get over the loss, particularly the death of a loved one; that we learn to live with it.

Tell me though, how do I get through the start, or the middle/peak/climax  -  depending on which way or how you look at it  -  of a pain again? With dad, I am, once again, going through the same painful journey that I first had with you the moment you were diagnosed with Dementia of the Alzheimer's type.

I was in denial at first, firmly shunning thoughts of hardship and helplessness as I took things a step and a day at a time. And when time came that I couldn't shun these no more, I still walked forward as I knew there was no turning back.

Then again, what can I do when the very person I turned to when you breathed your last is now suffering, himself?

Mom, I know it's your birthday but on this very day that I learned about dad's condition, can you do me a favor? Can you hold dad's hand and whisper thoughts of assurance on my behalf as he goes through the amputation of his left foot? Can you stay beside him as he goes through yet another painful episode in his life? Can you let him know that I love him as much as I love you? Can you help him carry himself through the way you had done so during your time? Can you, just like you used to, help me pray to God to ease dad's suffering?

I know what I am asking for may be too much. It's just it tears me apart to have to learn about these things when I'm several thousand miles away.............