On 9/11, almost 10 years after

I cannot or will not FULLY understand the emotions behind 9/11. No, I do not wish to claim a full comprehension of the enormity of it all.

When the twin towers of the World Trade Center collapsed, I was a freshman at the University of the Philippines-Diliman. My parents and I watched as shocked CNN news anchors struggled to find words to report what was unfolding before their very own eyes. I remember having just come home from school and finding my own jaw dropping involuntarily, my eyes, stunned at what I saw.

Now Osama Bin Laden, the brain behind those series of attacks in the US on 9/11, is dead. In fact, as of this typing, he's just been buried at an undisclosed location at sea. All of a sudden, a few minutes prior to this blog composition, I had found myself googling just how many firemen and policemen died on that day. There were 343 firemen. There were 72 policemen. And there was a dog.

Such fact had me realizing that while I was not really oblivious to what had happened since, it's only now, almost 10 years after this tragedy, that I feel like crying. Empathy, a word whose value I used to teach to my call center language trainees, struck me like a bolt of lightning and transported me to what happened a decade ago, effectively placing me into the shoes of those struggling to leave the struck towers and the shoes of those struggling to come in to save people all at the same time.

For years I've had recurring bad dreams of running down endless flights of stairs. What happened on September 11, 2001, along with natural calamities such as earthquakes, flashfloods and tsunamis, has really done nothing but reinforce my constant conscious fear of getting stuck inside a structure or a building during any kind of tragedy.

I always think, what if something, God forbid, happens to where I am? Do I run? Do I duck under a table? Do I even think of grabbing essential items if tragedy happens and I am at home? How about my sick dad? How about my other loved ones? Just how big are my chances of making it alive? Where and how do I live afterwards? Just how much money will it take for me to get my life back on track?

Such questions have me continuously trying to come to some form or semblance of preparedness. As I pack my bags in preparation for my return to the US in two months, more or less, I also grab whatever I can and feel as anything that I think I can add to my dad's "emergency kit". I've already made sure that his important documents are in one place. His medicines and first aid kit are in containers that can easily be grabbed and packed. And, oh yes, prayers. I've never stopped praying that the Philippines, especially my loved ones, be spared from anything horrible.

And after all these, I want to emphasize once again: I do not wish to claim a full comprehension of the enormity of 9/11. I cannot or will not FULLY understand the emotions behind it.

But my being human had me choked up with emotion when US President Barack Obama talked about how Bin Laden's death can't really bring to justice the void 9/11 left to families who have since tried to live without their loved ones. I can't, for the life of me, fully imagine how they managed to live the following day, the following week, and month, and year, without their fathers, mothers, husbands, wives, sons, daughters.

Then again, I'm fully capable of empathy. This, I'd like to believe, is the next best thing. I'm a wife to my husband. I'm a daughter to my father. I'm a friend, a co-worker, a colleague, a neighbor, a niece. I have a husband, a father, friends, colleagues, neighbors. Any one of us can die at any time due to both natural and unnatural causes. And if I or my loved ones or colleagues die because of evil men, I know, or (would) know, that someone like me, will come to this same stunned realization that I currently have. However late my tears seem to be, the very fact they're there symbolize that at least I won't be deemed a loveless coward like Bin Laden who, to the very end, just had to hide behind a human shield as members of the US Marines gave him an option to surrender.

I surrender to my being human. I care. I empathize. I feel. I think. I love.

On Security: Stick That In!

One of these days, I'll scold mall and MRT guards for NOT doing their job right. How many times have you experienced going through security personnel and seeing that these people are looking elsewhere as they dip their little sticks inside your bags? And how many times have you seen extraordinary colonial mentality on display as guards let through foreigners (hello, PBCom building guards!) and rich/beautiful-looking people without so much as of a thought of rummaging through their belongings?

I'm not a heartless freak. I know that the job these people do is tough and dangerous but following Osama Bin Laden's death, there looms a fear of retaliation against the US, its citizens and its allies.

Having said these, I truly hope that the management of airports, malls and other means of public transportation worldwide becomes more consistent at tightening their security measures. I don't mind having to go through that extra inconvenience if only to be assured that my loved ones and I are safe.

I miss...

... my old life.

Yes. Somehow, in some way (which I'll try to explain later...), I miss it.

Hanging out with a former training colleague, who happens to be my "next tower/building" neighbor, had me realizing this. As much as I know I wouldn't exchange what I have now, however difficult it is, with what I had in the past, I still can't help but long for certain aspects of my life that are either long gone or have yet to resurface.

Three years ago, I was so sure that I was bound for success in my chosen field. I was persistent  -  even if chances of getting promoted always seemed "so near yet so far". I was hopeful  -  even if I constantly had to face either new challenges or the repercussions of my work-related mistakes.

And then there's the ability of providing for yourself and for your loved ones. I was traipsing on ideas that with my wonderful career status, I could do so much financially. I could save, travel, shop, choose to invest on properties, further my studies, add credit lines. I could even have myself or my dad hospitalized, if the need came, and confidently have discharge papers processed knowing that everything's paid for (by the company health card and sometimes, by my bonuses).

In short I was doing what I know a grown up should be doing. The thoughts had me feeling fulfilled and satisfied. I thought, I may not be a manager yet but I'm getting there.

And the "getting there" part suddenly was stopped in its tracks by a series of fortunate and unfortunate events in my life that I sincerely do not regret. I swear, really, not at all.

It's been almost a  year and a half since I left my last company. My career has reached a valley  -  it feels like I'm going downhill and only God knows when or if I'll hit rock bottom. I know I sound horrible, miserable, glum, and yes I'm indulging/wallowing in self pity but man, this cycle of having to go down before rising again Just. Plain. Sucks.

According to online surveys, I'm a homemaker. Geez. It's actually otherwise known as a glorified unemployed married woman. I'm not even a full time homemaker! Well, I was one for five months and poof! I had to go back to the Philippines and wait for the approval of my petition papers. Leaving my husband there to decide for himself what to eat everyday is practically criminal negligence. Ugh.

Save for the measly sum I get as an amateur jewelry designer, my only other financial source is the help that my husband gives monthly. I'm married. I have to do the budgeting alone. The luxuries I was used to in the past, including buying a gift for my husband from the money I earned, do not have a place in my life as far as my unemployment is concerned.

Now I'm afraid that I'm not even a Jill of all trades anymore. I know I was never a master/mistress of anything but to actually refrain or stop from at least being a Jill of things I know I was good at? That's the worst possible scenario for me. Back to zero, so to speak.

Before all this career flatline, I was already at my goal of writing and talking smoothly in English. Now I admit I can barely hold a single conversation without having to inject certain Tagalog phrases or words every now and then. And yes, that's just the tip of the iceberg.

_______________________

Again. Please. Don't get me wrong. I do not regret my decision of resigning from my job in the Philippines to get married and join my husband in an almost six-month vacation in the US. More importantly, I also do not regret getting married. Having to sacrifice and share may have stopped my single life luxuries but this is something I really do not despise.

It's just... it's just... I'm on the verge of tears now. It's the ambitious career woman in me mourning, experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

Excuse me while I bawl myself to sleep.

John Paul II Novena

I believe in miracles. I believe in the power of prayers. I believe in the power that holy men can yield in interceding for us. But before and over and beyond all these, I believe in God.

Which is why it can't be more apt that on the day Pope John Paul II becomes beatified I repost this (from The Guild Review).

Apparently, according to the blog link I posted above, there are seven (7) days' worth of novena to Pope John Paul II. Let me, at least, publish in my blog the first day's blog:

PRAYERS TO BE PRAYED EACH DAY

Our Father...

Hail Mary...

Glory Be...

PRAYER FOR ASKING GRACES THROUGH THE INTERCESSION

OF THE SERVANT OF GOD POPE JOHN PAUL II

O Blessed Trinity

We thank You for having graced the Church

with Pope John Paul II

and for allowing the tenderness of your Fatherly care,

the glory of the cross of Christ,

and the splendor of the Holy Spirit,

to shine through him.

Trusting fully in Your infinite mercy

and in the maternal intercession of Mary,

he has given us a living image of Jesus the Good Shepherd,

and has shown us that holiness

is the necessary measure of ordinary Christian life

and is the way of achieving eternal communion with you.

Grant us, by his intercession, and according to Your will,

the graces we implore,

hoping that he will soon be numbered

among your saints.

Amen.

READING FOR DAY 1

From Redemptor Hominis (The Redeemer of Man), 8.

The Redeemer of the world! In him has been revealed in a new and more wonderful way the fundamental truth concerning creation to which the Book of Genesis gives witness when it repeats several times: "God saw that it was good". The good has its source in Wisdom and Love. In Jesus Christ the visible world which God created for man-the world that, when sin entered, "was subjected to futility"- recovers again its original link with the divine source of Wisdom and Love. Indeed, "God so loved the world that he gave his only Son". As this link was broken in the man Adam, so in the Man Christ it was reforged....

Christ, the Redeemer of the world, is the one who penetrated in a unique unrepeatable way into the mystery of man and entered his "heart". Rightly therefore does the Second Vatican Council teach: "The truth is that only in the mystery of the Incarnate Word does the mystery of man take on light. For Adam, the first man, was a type of him who was to come (Rom 5:14), Christ the Lord. Christ the new Adam, in the very revelation of the mystery of the Father and of his love, fully reveals man to himself and brings to light his most high calling". And the Council continues: "He who is the 'image of the invisible God' (Col 1:15), is himself the perfect man who has restored in the children of Adam that likeness to God which had been disfigured ever since the first sin. Human nature, by the very fact that is was assumed, not absorbed, in him, has been raised in us also to a dignity beyond compare. For, by his Incarnation, he, the son of God, in a certain way united himself with each man. He worked with human hands, he thought with a human mind. He acted with a human will, and with a human heart he loved. Born of the Virgin Mary, he has truly been made one of us, like to us in all things except sin", he, the Redeemer of man.

Channelling Lea Salonga, Kate Middleton and Grace Kelly...

... on my wedding day (one more time)! :)

L-R: Lea (lace bodice, long sleeves, belt, updo, flowers {roses}), ME, Kate (lace sweetheart bodice, long sleeves, veil) and Grace (lace sweetheart bodice, long sleeves, belt, updo).

My Kate Middleton wedding gown that I wore more than a year before the Royal Wedding

Actually, it's more of a Grace Kelly gown  -  the similarity shared between the gown of the new Duchess of Cambridge and, ehem, mine. I fell in love with the late Princess of Monaco's wedding gown, thus the design of my dress c/o Mimi Ferrera-Lazaro and Dominique Manlangit of Sasha Bridals. Apparently, Kate also had the same adoration for the legendary dress. So did Lea Salonga (hers was designed by Hollywood-based Filipina designer Monique Lhuillier). The only differences are the neckline structure and the pleated belt that I wore when I married my own prince on January 24, 2010.

______________________________________________________________________

Lea Salonga, with her groom, in a Monique Lhuillier dress (that the designer aptly named "Lea")

Kate and her father Michael Middleton arrive at the Westminster Abbey

Kate alighting from a Rolls Royce wedding car in her Sara Burton (of Alexander McQueen) wedding gown

Maid of honor and sister Pippa Middleton lifting/holding the gown train

2011 Accomplishment Checklist Part 1

They say necessity breeds innovation/invention. Since I have yet to be so desperate to be innovative and I have yet to be so intelligent and creative to be inventive, I'll stick with my version: Necessity breeds accomplishment. :)

I know this year has yet to reach the end of its fourth quarter (hello, hot & sticky April) but I feel I've accomplished so much at so little time I have to gloat, erm, I mean, be proud enough to post this blog. Pardon the marked sheepishness of this entry but I just have to have a virtual reminder of what I was able to do so I can encourage myself to push for more.

WHAT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED SO FAR:

1. HOSPITAL HIATUS: Was able to reach a chart-topping, record-breaking hospital confinement hiatus for dad (4 months!!!) until the 2nd week of March when we had to have him hospitalized overnight due to bradycardic arrhythmia (see I also learned a new medical term!). This is important because dad got hospitalized every freaking month from August to November of last year. In August, he underwent cataract surgery for his right eye. In September, he had to undergo removal of pleural effusion (excess fluid in his lungs). In October, he had a minor stroke. In November, he had an acute psychotic breakdown due to major depressive disorder and had to have a declogging/declotting procedure done on his Gore-Tex in his left arm. Expensive and exhausting? You bet.

2. GOODBYE, 20 LBS: As of April, I've already lost 20 lbs! My sedentary almost 6-month stay in the US packed on the pounds for me and produced a health scare involving acid reflux. Dinner, which was supposed to be enjoyable, became mortifying what with a disturbing chest pain and my inability to breathe deeply afterwards. Now, I'm proud to say that I have already said goodbye to said symptoms and that I've been going to the gym more often than before. Best of all, I'm now lighter than my wedding weight! My wedding gown fits better now! Haha! I guess it's not too bad that I'm crossing my fingers AND toes for more pounds to say goodbye to.

3. VISITING MOM: April 10 marked the 5th death anniversary of mommy. It also marked the day I was able to muster enough willpower to push procrastination away and visit mom at the Eternal Gardens Cemetery in Binan, Laguna. I know, I know, I'm such a terrible daughter. I arrived from the US in August of last year and her birthday in September including Christmas, New Year and Valentine's Day had all passed before I finally visited her. I guess it also even took a little "push from her" (A week prior to her death anniversary, I  had dreamt of her telling me to smile more) for me to act on this little trip.

4. REAL PROPERTY TAXES: Oh yes, paid, paid, paid  -  way before the deadline! I now feel like a better Filipino citizen. LOL

5. TITLE PROCESSING: I've done my part: acquired, signed, notarized and submitted every single requirement. The ball's now in Empire East's court. I just hope and pray that these people be merciful and responsible enough to act on the title before I leave for the US in June.

6. NEW SENIOR CITIZEN CARD: Two days ago, I finally got dad's new senior citizen card. He's now an official senior citizen of Mandaluyong! Haha.

7. PHILHEALTH: Paid 9 months' worth of Philhealth contributions.

8. BARANGAY CERTIFICATES: Dad and I are now both officially from Brgy. Highway Hills of Mandaluyong City. Hehe.

9. CEDULA: I now have a community tax certificate in Mandaluyong City. Hehe.

10. STOVE RACK: "Finally" got rid of that 20+-year old gas range that served as our stove's makeshift rack for 5+ years. ********"finally"  -  Tito Jovy and I placed the gas range inside the vacant unit in front of ours..hehe.. waiting for Manong Magbobote's arrival on Saturday... here's to hoping we won't be confronted before Saturday... LOL

11. NBI TRAVEL CLEARANCE: My first travel clearance (the green one) and first as missus: Cardenas de Prieto, Maria Preciosa y Tierra

12. SUBMISSION OF US IMMIGRANT CIVIL DOCUMENT REQUIREMENTS: Done, done, done, done!!! Now I'm just praying that everything's in place and that there are no discrepancies once these reach the National Visa Center in Portsmouth, New Hampshire.

13. DIGICAM CHARGER: After months of longing for my still missing Olympus charger and drooling over new digital cameras just because, I finally thought of looking for and at universal chargers. Thankfully, I got one that works! Because of such, I have #14.

14. ACCESSORIES BY PRECIOUS NEW PRODUCT PICTURES UPLOAD: Oh yes. Thanks to my new digicam charger, I'm on an accessories production roll. Check out my new items HERE.

15. CHURCH: The church, I discovered early this year, is just 700++ steps from our house. I definitely have no excuse to skip church so regular Sunday mass celebrations are a must. The only thing I skipped was the Kumpisalang Bayan yesterday because I had a confession three weeks ago and I "think" I'm still good. Hehe.

16. MOM'S PROPERTY: Thanks to mom's younger sister, I learned that I had a civil obligation as my mom's daughter. I had always known she had a property that she inherited from her mother, my grandmother,  in Atimonan, Quezon. But it was only recently that I learned that had not this same sister helped her pay her bank obligations in the late '90s, she would have lost the property. Furthermore, I was informed that mom said that whoever would help her pay her obligations should get the property. Who am I to argue with that? Who am I to doubt? My aunt's always been helpful and honest to us so it's but rightful that we turn it over to her. I also don't think Sergs and I can handle the property anymore since it's too far from Manila (about five hours away by car).

17. A TEXT TO MY SISTER: It had been a long time coming. I don't want to leave for the US without so much as of an effort of reaching out to people I'm hoping will take care of dad. I know that once I'm in the US, all I'm left with are prayers and efforts in helping provide for him.

_____________________

There's much I have yet to accomplish this year. I have 10 more pounds to lose, another contract to deal with, a medical exam and an interview to undergo, a flight to take, a baby to make (can't help adding...lol), a husband to take care of, a job to grab, a car to learn to drive, a festival to attend, a business to start, a city to explore (on my own), laws to learn, new dishes to cook, friends to meet. These 17 accomplishments are already a good head start. These serve as great reminders that I know I could do more and that I would and should do more.