I miss...

... my old life.

Yes. Somehow, in some way (which I'll try to explain later...), I miss it.

Hanging out with a former training colleague, who happens to be my "next tower/building" neighbor, had me realizing this. As much as I know I wouldn't exchange what I have now, however difficult it is, with what I had in the past, I still can't help but long for certain aspects of my life that are either long gone or have yet to resurface.

Three years ago, I was so sure that I was bound for success in my chosen field. I was persistent  -  even if chances of getting promoted always seemed "so near yet so far". I was hopeful  -  even if I constantly had to face either new challenges or the repercussions of my work-related mistakes.

And then there's the ability of providing for yourself and for your loved ones. I was traipsing on ideas that with my wonderful career status, I could do so much financially. I could save, travel, shop, choose to invest on properties, further my studies, add credit lines. I could even have myself or my dad hospitalized, if the need came, and confidently have discharge papers processed knowing that everything's paid for (by the company health card and sometimes, by my bonuses).

In short I was doing what I know a grown up should be doing. The thoughts had me feeling fulfilled and satisfied. I thought, I may not be a manager yet but I'm getting there.

And the "getting there" part suddenly was stopped in its tracks by a series of fortunate and unfortunate events in my life that I sincerely do not regret. I swear, really, not at all.

It's been almost a  year and a half since I left my last company. My career has reached a valley  -  it feels like I'm going downhill and only God knows when or if I'll hit rock bottom. I know I sound horrible, miserable, glum, and yes I'm indulging/wallowing in self pity but man, this cycle of having to go down before rising again Just. Plain. Sucks.

According to online surveys, I'm a homemaker. Geez. It's actually otherwise known as a glorified unemployed married woman. I'm not even a full time homemaker! Well, I was one for five months and poof! I had to go back to the Philippines and wait for the approval of my petition papers. Leaving my husband there to decide for himself what to eat everyday is practically criminal negligence. Ugh.

Save for the measly sum I get as an amateur jewelry designer, my only other financial source is the help that my husband gives monthly. I'm married. I have to do the budgeting alone. The luxuries I was used to in the past, including buying a gift for my husband from the money I earned, do not have a place in my life as far as my unemployment is concerned.

Now I'm afraid that I'm not even a Jill of all trades anymore. I know I was never a master/mistress of anything but to actually refrain or stop from at least being a Jill of things I know I was good at? That's the worst possible scenario for me. Back to zero, so to speak.

Before all this career flatline, I was already at my goal of writing and talking smoothly in English. Now I admit I can barely hold a single conversation without having to inject certain Tagalog phrases or words every now and then. And yes, that's just the tip of the iceberg.

_______________________

Again. Please. Don't get me wrong. I do not regret my decision of resigning from my job in the Philippines to get married and join my husband in an almost six-month vacation in the US. More importantly, I also do not regret getting married. Having to sacrifice and share may have stopped my single life luxuries but this is something I really do not despise.

It's just... it's just... I'm on the verge of tears now. It's the ambitious career woman in me mourning, experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

Excuse me while I bawl myself to sleep.