Buntis Chronicles: Week 7

He cradles babies in His strong arms and lovingly forms them in
His creative hands. Credits to advancedphotography.net.

Week 7. Or more like Week 6.

I was at Kaiser yesterday for a last-minute second ultrasound with my OB, Dr. Sharyl Hardiman. Good thing she agreed to schedule me for one as my last few days at work had been full of anxiety for me what with the back pain and lower abdomen strain from standing almost all day and dealing with challenging people.

The anxiety, however, did not end upon my resignation. Expecting at almost 7 weeks to see and hear a fetal heartbeat, there was none. We only saw a much bigger gestational sac and (what I still believe as my baby) a yolk sac. There was no fetal pole and the gestational age (GA) only measured at 5 weeks, 6 days  -  exactly a week off my measurement if based on my last menstrual period (LMP at 6 weeks, 6 days)!

Almost immediately, I was on Google mode, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Luckily, my OB, being the conservative that she says she is, did not say anything about D&C procedures (dilation and curettage, a.k.a. forced abortion) or anything else gloomy. She only delivered a very effective and safe spiel: "I'm sorry it was not the news you were hoping for." She also agreed with me that my irregular menstrual cycle and crazy ovulation could be the reason why the previous dating was off (a week and four days ago prior to said appointment, my LMP was at 5 weeks, 2 days and the gestational age at 5 weeks, 1 day).

Google, like my best friend, presented dozens and dozens of similar questions with positive answers. Like my worst enemy, it also presented a handful of responses that seem so rare and few but are so effective at freaking out a pregnant woman.

Just to get it off my system, similar to said gloomy responses was this: A former schoolmate, a week and a half ago, almost immediately sent me a private message in response to my not-so-discreet Facebook announcement that I was expecting. She told me to try to not be too overwhelmed by the response from friends and families I had been getting as so many things could happen in the next few weeks of my early pregnancy; that it was while working as a teller in an environment similar to what I described earlier in this blog that she lost her baby with no signs or symptoms (no bleeding or severe cramping, just a fetus with no heartbeat).

Naturally, said message felt like a storm (not a rain) on my parade. I obsessed (and still am obsessing) for days about it. News of other tellers miscarrying while on the job also contributed to my anxiety. The peak days of May and June (last day of May and first two days of June), however, became the final straw for me. Ordinarily, days like such that are filled with long lines and challenging customers and colleagues were tolerable for me. Pregnant Me said, no, shouted, otherwise.

Looking back, I still do not regret both my Facebook announcement and my resignation. The announcement was an open praise and gratitude to God as I thought I could not conceive naturally. The resignation from a job that I thought I was handling well was a way to take good care of this blessing that I received from Him.

As for Google's good news? Well, it turns out, IF I am (and I DO BELIEVE I AM) one of the many who belong in what turns out to be an ordinary situation for expecting women with irregular ovulation and menstrual cycles, then the baby, my baby is doing just fine. At 5 weeks gestational age, it's natural to see only a yolk sac inside a gestational sac. It means that our little baby is just a wonderful late bloomer, slow and shy but wonderful just the same.

Such then explains why at 5 weeks 2 days LMP and 5 weeks 1 day GA, we only saw a gestational sac with a little dot inside thought of as the yolk sac roughly measuring 1 mm; that my GA a week and a half ago could either still be accurate and the development was just slow OR it was just wrong and off at dating (ultrasound inaccuracy in dating at early pregnancy does happen!).

I have my original second routine appointment in a week. So what to make of this waiting game? I guess I just have to count my blessings to ward off the negative thoughts in my head:

• With the yolk sac in place, a blighted ovum is definitely out of the question!
• With my uterus thickening as per my OB, an ectopic pregnancy is also out of the question!
• With no bleeding or spotting and no severe cramping and with my HCG increasing (from 11K on May 30 to 14K on June 1 and 20K on June 3), I'm almost very sure that a molar pregnancy is also about to be kicked to the curb!

Anyway, let me end this blog by saying that I am keeping the faith. Last Sunday's mass struck me with this message from Him:

"Give thanks to the Lord who masters the winds

and the raging seas for He, alone,

is the perfect reason, the perfect timing."

Buntis Chronicles: Week 6

Let me start this post by quoting what my good friend and UP Diliman schoolmate, Jacqui Conclara, told me last night: "Pray and trust in God. He didn't take you this far to leave you (hanging)."

Jacqui, I believe, is one of the many whom God used and will use to convey His message of faith and love especially now that I've reached my 6th week of pregnancy. Needless to say, in the tradition of Yin and Yang, in spite of the overwhelming positive attention my not-so-discreet Facebook announcement got, looming at the background are precautionary tales and advice of my OB and some friends and colleagues. I was told to be conservative. I was told to take good care of myself and of the baby and avoid stress. I was told to not expect too much as so many (bad) things could happen. Needless to say, all these had me succumbing to crazy googling about early pregnancy. I needed and still need reassurance that my baby will develop fine and that I will deliver with no life-threatening complications.

What I've been feeling as opposed to what I've learned so far:

1. Nausea is good. It is an indication of good placental growth. I've so far experienced the tell-tale signs of the start of nausea, queasiness (of stomach) and all that vomiting stuff. I could say that I am at the mild stage: to vomit or not to vomit, that's the question. Strong odors, those that I found tolerable and even fragrant before, make me gag and slightly teary-eyed. My thought? Bring it on! Vomit and all. lol

2. Mild to moderate cramps are good too  -  although they freak me out at times. I frequently make trips to the bathroom to check if they're accompanied by spotting and/or bleeding. Nothing so far. Besides, I was told by the pre-natal clerk at Kaiser that the cramps should be severe enough to get my attention or cause fainting. An article somewhere mentioned that if the pain is mostly at one side, it's most likely because it's where the embryo implanted and thus the first one to stretch and grow; that the uterus is a muscle and is growing continuously as the pregnancy progresses.

3. Breast tenderness is TMI but a wonderful information (at least for me) just the same. It's especially painful everytime I'd have to get up from the bed. But hey! It's more than fine for me! :)

Overall, with all these, the human in me, fragile and all, can honestly say that I'm still nowhere near relieved until I hear that fetal heartbeat on June 12 (Independence Day for the Philippines  -  independence from fear for me!). Until then, I know that I just really have to trust that God is cradling and forming my baby in His merciful and loving arms.

Buntis Chronicles: Week 5

May 23: On a random urine test after a whim, I found out I was pregnant. Suffice to say, that was all that I needed to quickly erase any thought of joining the sulking Jessica Sanchez fans.

May 24: Our 28th month as husband and wife. Woke up at 2:57 am. Restless and anxious. Excited too. Good thing there was an OB available to see me this day with just a moment's notice. I bled a few days back and dismissed it thinking it was just my period. It also doesn't help that I've been experiencing cramps here and there. Crossing my fingers that I don't have a molar or a tubal pregnancy.

May 24, 10 am: Nope. That ultrasound picture's definitely not a tubal pregnancy, thank God! But my OB warned me to be conservative about it as the transvaginal ultrasound only showed a bean-like amniotic sac that looked empty. I am only 5 weeks along, after all.

May 24, 5:30 pm: The cramps I've been experiencing on and off returned, this time more magnified than ever now that I'm aware of my condition. I was just told to not do any exercise involving jumping. Do squats count as a no-no? I'm asking because what I do at work involves a lot of squatting to grab my stuff each time what is needed is at the bottom of my workstation.

Ugh. Can't wait for my next pre-natal visit. Until then, I'll just have to pray.

Diskarte ni Lord

And this I would say again: "Pag si Lord talaga ang dumiskarte, laging perfect timing!"

First time I said that was when I first met my husband, Sergs. Our marriage, in my thoughts and in my bestfriend Valine's, is shrouded in mystery, both Divine and Chinese. lol. Seriously though, if one were to believe in superstition and signs from above, the numbers 7 and 8 played, and still play a huge role from how we met, the properties we purchased, when we got married to how we lead our life together.

The second time was when I finally got my US permanent residency application approved. The embassy interview was so close to our birthdays (we're born on two consecutive days in July) that we feared that we might not be able to celebrate together. But for some reason, everything fell into place as planned and as scheduled and I arrived in the US a day before his birthday.

Now for the third time....... dyaaaaraaaaaan!

I'm pregnant! After two years and four months (2+4, 24, our "monthsary" is today, the 24th of May.. oh well) of trying!

An early morning chat with Valine had me dissecting events prior to my wonderful discovery just yesterday:

• May 13: Mother's Day. Someone greeted me "Happy Mother's Day!". I was miffed. Tried to dismiss it by sweetly saying to the person who greeted me that I'm not yet a mom; that I'm just, well, "healthy". How was I supposed to know that I was already close, like 4 days away from my first month of pregnancy? Happy Mother's Day, indeed!
• A week prior to THE day of discovery: A middle-aged Filipino customer of mine cheerfully asked me out of the blue if I wanted to have a boy or a girl. I said I could have anything so long as the baby's healthy. He said I gave him a good answer. Could this be God testing me and my mental preparedness? Based on my discovery yesterday, maybe I really passed His "interview"!

And for the next few months, check this out:

• June: Father's Day. My husband is now my baby daddy! Weeeee. He'd finally stand to be acknowledged in church and receive a blessing from our parish priest.
• June 24-July 8: We'd be in Manila during this week. Part of me prior to the discovery desperately wished I have something "more" that I could take with me to my family and friends there aside from my material pasalubong. Now it's for real! And it's not just a "thing". It's a growing baby who'd be small and safe enough to accompany me during my flight and see me through flight restrictions. By July 8, on our way back to the US, I wouldn't have yet reached the 5th month (of pregnancy) flight restriction.
• July: A truly happy birthday for Sergs and me. :) No more iPads. I'd still go after the Gucci bag though. lol
• December: A truly happy Christmas! Best Christmas gift ever! Doesn't hurt too that I may be on maternity leave already around the holidays. Hehe.
• January 22: Hello, baby! :)

So, see? Pag si Lord, iba talaga dumiskarte. When and if He says no, it only means that we just have to be patient and trust His will. Then again, we shouldn't lose faith in the thought that our persistent and/or silent prayers are heard. That if and when His perfect timing comes, we should trust and believe that everything will fall into place.

So my only prayer this time? A healthy pregnancy. :)

I Am Bella

Earlier today, I met an 11-year old 5th grader who happens to be my namesake (Who am I? I am _____ ). A table away from her at this elementary school where I was a volunteer teacher was a 10-year old named Bella. Both girls received best nameplate awards from me. Call it a biased decision but my namesake (fine, let's call her "Precious") and Bella were very creative with their nameplates. Precious used an alternating color pattern when she wrote the letters of her name and Bella wrote "I Am Bella" on her nameplate (Que Bella! Chi Bello! Get it? Get it?). Suffice to say, both were so creative that I had to justify to the rest of the class why I picked them as my winners.

A few years back, I was sent by my last company to Nicaragua, a Central American country with mostly Spanish-speaking people, to conduct language training to call center applicants. In an attempt to impress my trainees, I introduced myself in Spanish:

"Buenos dias! Yo soy Preciosa."

Dead silence. Fail!

It was my first ever lesson from actual native speakers of Spanish! You see, my parents named me "Maria Preciosa" because first of all, my mom was a devotee of the Blessed Mother. She and dad waited 13 years to have a baby (me!), thus the "precious" part of my name. Such were in my mind, not to mention, textbook definitions that had led me to believe that the only meaning of "precious" was unique and/or valuable.

Uh... No.

In Spanish, especially in Latin American countries, "precious" means "beautiful". If we were to go by all these, my trainees' dead silence after my spectacular introduction most probably was an indication that their thought bubbles contained a response like this:

"Did she really introduce herself as 'beautiful'?"

Or...

"Does she really think she is beautiful?"

Please. Do me a favor and find out the answer, yourselves, from my parents.

For My Dad: My Hilary Swank-Robert De Niro Moment

About to watch 'New Year's Eve' on New Year's Eve....



..... so went my Facebook status a few hours ago. Caught for the first time a bus to the Tanforan Mall in San Bruno from Daly City just to accomplish this regular mission of mine of being touched by a feel-good movie. Never really thought I'd go past my usual "aww" and "haha" moment.

Somewhere in this link is my "past-my-usual-aww-and-haha-moment". If from this blog site's description you could already surmise I'm a daddy's girl then for sure you'd know I could identify with Hilary Swank's character in the film. I am Hilary Swank's Claire Morgan. My dad is Robert De Niro's Stan Harris.

You see my father, my daddy, is not perfect. But he is as sweet as any father can be to me, his daughter. I'm sure that in his own way, provided that if he were somehow a little better than he actually is (right now), he would want to be with me however far I am; that he would want to silently witness and cheer for how I've been and for how I have managed to raise and eventually pull down a giant crystal ball.


Happy New Year, daddy. In my dreams I am beside you, my head resting on your shoulder and you kissing my hand.

This Christmas

... will be my first in the US with my husband.
... will be my first away from my dad.
... will be my first with my first job in the US.
... will be my first without a 13th month pay.
... will be my first with my first Louis Vuitton bag, however pathetic this sounds.
... will be my first with an iPhone and not with a Nokia, again, however pathetic this sounds.
... will be my first wishing [now] more than an ever that a baby is on the way.
... will be my first feasting my eyes on San Francisco Christmas lights.
... will be my first without the Ayala decors.
... will be my first [literally] cold Christmas.
... will be my Christmas of my many firsts.

It's happy. It's sad. It's luxurious. It's expensive. It's a first in a totally and completely different way. There's a yin and a yang ring to it. And then there's the birth of our Savior.

The birth.

A birthday, any birthday, it is usually a cause for celebration. But this one's that of our Savior  -  our Savior who eventually died on the Cross so that from then on and in the centuries to come we'll have a Christmas that's brimming with lessons, like the bittersweet fruitcake in tragedies and like the glistening snow in the purity of joy.