Bottled Up Release: Mom, I Support You

Image by Cary Davis taken from Fearless Formula Feeder

In 11 days, my son will be six months old. Born premature at 34 weeks and five days, however, his adjusted age pegs him on August 24 at just four months, three weeks and a day old. You can say that over the last five months and a half of being a first time mommy, I've done prepping, planning, sorting, googling, assessing, window shopping, canvassing, and deciding on both material and non-material choices for the little man.

It was also in those last five months and 21 days that I struggled to get support and acceptance over my decision to mix feed, bottle-feed pumped milk and eventually exclusively formula feed my baby boy. I was oblivious to the fact that there is such a big, big divide between moms who breastfeed and moms who formula feed. I didn't even know that this divide is made even more complicated by those who do a hybrid of the two methods of infant feeding.

I suppose my final emotionally charged Facebook comment over a former schoolmate's post on breastfeeding sums up how I've been feeling:

The point here is even if we cite numbers and experts to defend our advocacies, both the mother and the baby should be in a fit condition, their options be made aware in order to not come to a point when it is either too late or close to being too late to taking the appropriate action be it through formula feeding, bottle feeding, milk banks (if they can afford it especially since 1 oz of milk is $4), pumping, or wet nurses. Recognition of the urgency and of the necessity of stop-gap measures and of both short-term and long-term solutions should also be considered to avoid sacrificing the overall well-being of the mother and of the child;

It is hurtful that people don't see that even if we do believe as well that breast milk and breastfeeding are truly the best, we get ostracized for our actions no matter what our own reality dictates us to do. For those who criticize us negatively, there is no legitimate or excusable reason, medically or otherwise, for choosing to bottle-feed, pump, mix feed or formula feed. The effect sometimes, unfortunately, pushes some moms to postnatal depression due to overwhelming feelings that because they failed at breastfeeding, they failed at bonding with their child and giving the baby the best of themselves;

In the end I think I can speak on behalf of women like me that like exclusively breastfeeding moms, we do believe that breast milk is the best form of infant nutrition but that we just don't want to feel as though we are selfish, that we are moms inferior to those who breastfeed, that we love our babies any less, and that they are less likely to thrive physically because we chose, for however we came to our reasons, to not or stop breastfeeding or pumping;

What's beautiful for me are the slogans "I support you" and "Fed is best". You see, I'd personally defend you and other women who get sneered at for pulling out a boob to breastfeed or pump whether in public or in private, with the baby or not, their own baby or someone else's, covered or not, in the middle of a meeting or during their free time. I'm hoping that the case is the same for moms like me.

This division is not necessary. In this fight over who does best or whose method should be the be-all and end-all, we lose sight of what's important: nourishing our babies not just with food but with all the love and attention that we could possibly realistically give.

All moms who love their babies shouldn't be met with judgment because their methods are completely different from ours. Suggest, give advice. But in the end? Support. What truly, truly matters after all that's been said and done is a healthy and happy baby well-loved by a healthy and happy mom.

Moms, I support you.

Should you choose to stay at home, quit your flourishing career and take care of your baby, I support you.

Should you choose to keep your high-paying job because you know that it'll help you and your husband build a financially stable future for your baby, I support you.

Should you wish to hire a nanny or send your six-week old baby to a daycare fully knowing all the risks and all the benefits, I support you.

Should you decide, even before giving birth, to not breastfeed, I support you.

Should you set your heart on doing everything possible and exhausting all means so you can breastfeed, I support you.

Should you take out that expensive breast pump and bottle-feed your baby, I support you.

Should you hoard coupons not just for your husband's cereal but for also for your baby's formula, I support you.

Whether you choose to believe your doctor's advice to formula feed or hire a lactation consultant for her services so you can breastfeed, I support you.

(While I still have strong feelings over not vaccinating your child), I support you. <--- I'm relying on your sense of judgment in keeping your child healthy.

Should you baptize him, circumcize him, send her to an exclusive school, or opt for home schooling, I support you.

No judgments.

Fed is best. Loved is best.

I support you.

S-E-B-A-S-T-I-A-N

Sebastian at the NICU on his first day.

These days, seven weeks and two days in since my son's birth, I am barely able to organize my thoughts. But because I feel like it'd be a huge injustice to my baby boy if I didn't document how he came, I knew I really had to steal a few moments to sit down at least for these tidbits:

S  -  "S" is for "son". Or "Sebastian". Our firstborn, a baby boy named Sebastian Gabriel Cardenas Prieto, was born on February 24, 2015.

E  -  "E" is for "early". He was born about a month and a half early or at 34 weeks and five days to be exact. I had not even attended any of my labor or newborn classes or finalized the packing of my hospital bag, let alone finish filling out our labor plan form when my water broke.

Born healthy at 4 lbs 7.4 ounces, jaundice
and weight gain were the only reasons
why Sebastian stayed at the NICU for six days.

 B  -  "B" is for "birthday", not his birthday, but my birthday and that of my husband's. Because I found out I was pregnant with him a day after my birthday and two days after my husband's (Sergs was born on July 18, I, on July 19, and we found out on July 20), to date, he's who we consider as our best birthday gift ever.

A  -  "A" is for "anticipation". We had been married exactly five years and a month when he arrived.

S  -  "S" is for "San Francisco". Sebastian was born early enough to merit him being delivered at the Kaiser Permanente Hospital in San Francisco and not at that new Kaiser hospital in Redwood City. I was told that any birth before 37 weeks should be done at said facility as it's only there that they have a Neonatal Care Intensive Unit (NICU) facility at our area. True San Franciscan? Yup!

Car seat test two days before
Sebastian left the hospital.

T  -  "T" is for "three". At 20 minutes past 3 in the morning was his official clock in time.

I  -  "I" is for "IVF" and "infertility". Because I dealt with infertility (I wasn't ovulating regularly) and two unsuccessful inseminations, an In vitro fertilization (IVF) was in our plans. I even drew out a plan: Travel to Europe first then come back for, hopefully, a single round of successful IVF (just one round as it is expensive and completely out of pocket). But as they say, once one stops trying (to conceive), that's when the "magic" happens. Two months' worth of over-the-counter fertility supplements and boom! God's plan, not ours, presented itself, I mean, himself. :)

A  -  "A" is for "Air France". I was one of the three pregnant women at our office handling all kinds of Air France passenger issues at SFO. My passenger service colleague, Laaina, gave birth on January 2. My immediate supervisor, Elizabeth, gave birth on January 6. I gave birth on February 24. All of us had boys. :)

Sebastian currently is a bottlefed
naughty baby who loves cuddles and music.

N  -  "N" is for "natural" and "normal". I didn't have a natural childbirth but I did have a "normal" or a "vaginal" one. In fact, the words of my boss clearly rang in my head the moment I was wheeled into the hospital: "I will not be shy to ask for an epidural." And shy I wasn't. It was the sweetest relief. I was shielded from the pain beyond my most intense contractions and that nasty intravenous (IV) needle insertion.

What Baby Needs vs What Baby Already Has (as of January 22, 2015)

Our Graco Pack 'n Play On The Go Travel Playard in Go Green. We opted for the simple one since this playard "grows" with the baby  -  there's no need to have a separate playard and a separate bassinet. The hanging layer you see serves as a bassinet for baby's first few months. This entire thing is slim enough to fit beside our bed. Once he's a little older and heavier, he can move to a proper crib. And when he's finally ready to prop himself up and play, the bassinet is lowered to serve as his playard mat. And, no. We don't want the ones that come with a portable changing station. We want an actual wooden changing table that can double as shelves/storage.

I was almost tempted to add "What Mommy Wants". But in keeping with the idea of "jumpstarting the life of a new human being", I'll stick to the title above. :)

In my efforts of keeping our two baby registries that also serve as our personal guideline/checklist (one at Target and one at Babies R'Us  -  both under Precious or Sergio Prieto, in case you are interested) neat, compact, fun and functional, the obsessive compulsive in me feels the need to document the things we need versus the things we already have.

The two registries we have will tell you the brands we have chosen for our little boy. Our choices are mostly based on price and review ratings. For organizational purposes, I'll skip the brand mentioning part in this blog save for a few (it's on our online registries, anyway) and just present here the CHECKLIST Babies R'Us has with some additional essentials from Target:

NURSERY
furniture
crib ____
crib mattress ____
changing station ____
glider & ottoman ____
dresser or chest ____
nightstand ____
bassinet & bedside sleeper  -  It's on the "Good-To-Have" checklist at Babies R'Us but Target considers it just as essential. On that note, let's consider this FULFILLED as our Graco Playard has it integrated. :)
bedding
crib bedding set ____
fitted crib sheets (4-6) ____
mattress pads & waterproof pads (2-4) ____
sheet savers (2) ____
changing table pad ____
changing table pad covers (4) ____
receiving blankets (4-8) ____
crib blankets (4)  -  We have one! Still need three.
swaddling blankets (2-4) ____
wearable blankets (2-4) ____
security blanket ____
sound & light soothers ____
accessories
hampers ____
hangers ____
crib mobile ____
diaper stacker ____
wall decor ____
closet organization ____
storage baskets/bins ____

ON THE GO
car seats
infant car seat  -  Not applicable as we are eyeing a travel system stroller.
convertible car seat ____
strollers & carriers
travel system or traditional stroller ____
infant carrier ____
diaper bag (2) ____
stroller toys ____

PLAYTIME
infant swing ____
bouncer  -  FULFILLED!
playard  -  FULFILLED! See photo above.
playard sheets (2-3)  -  We have one! Still need two.
play mat or baby gym ____
infant toys (5)  -  Do plush toys count? Those we definitely have. Other kinds are appreciated. :)
jumper ____
stationary entertainer ____
books (3)  -  We have one! Still need two.
dvds (3)  -  What are YouTube and iTunes for? :)
music (3)  -  The above statement applies.
early development toys ____
interactive toys ____
riding toys ____

CLOTHING <---- Where it starts to get a little complicated
bodysuits (10-12)  -  We have...
    1 short-sleeved bodysuit for 0-1 month
    10 short-sleeved bodysuits for the newborn size  -  FULFILLED
    3 short-sleeved bodysuits for 0-3 months
    1 long-sleeved bodysuit for the newborn size
    1 long-sleeved bodysuit for 6-12 months
sleep & play (6-8)  -  We have...
    3 for the newborn size
side-snap shirts (4-6) ____
pull-on pants (6-8)  -  We have...
    1 pull-on pants for 0-1 month
    1 pull-on pants for the newborn size
    1 pull-on pants for 4-6 months
caps (2-4)  -  ALL FOUR FULFILLED for at least baby boy's first six months!
mittens (2-4)  -  We have...
    4 pairs for the newborn size  -  FULFILLED
    1 pair for 0-3 months
booties (2-4)  -  ALL FOUR FULFILLED for at least baby boy's first six months!
socks (6-8)  -  We have...
    6 white pairs for the newborn size
    6 lightly colored (white, light blue, etc.) pairs for 3-12 months
baby shoes  -  We have a pair for 1-2 months.

SAFETY
monitor ____
baby gates (2) ____
outlet covers & plugs ____
cabinet & drawer locks ____
first aid kid ____

FEEDING
breast pump ____
nursing pads (1 multi-pack) ____
breast milk storage containers or bags (2) ____
nursing covers (2)  -  FULFILLED!
nursing pillow ____
baby support pillow ____
bottles starter set _____
bottles 4- or 5-oz (6-10)  -  We have...
    1 4-oz Philips Avent Natural Bottle
bottles 8-, 9- or 11-oz (6-10) _____
slow-flow nipples (8-10) ____
medium-flow nipples (8-10) ____
fast-flow nipples (8-10) ____
bibs (8-12)  -  We have two! Still need a "few" more. ;)
burping cloths (6-12) ____
pacifiers (6-8) ____
pacifier holders ____
teethers (3-4)  -  We have a three-in-one. Still need one more for good measure. :)
high chair ____
bottle warmers & sterilizers ____
baby food prep & storage ____
baby plates & bowls ____
sippy cups ____
skin-to-skin shirt ____

INFANT CARE
diapering
diapers, up to 8 lbs (4 value boxes) ____

diapers, 8 to 14 lbs (5 value boxes) ____

baby wipes (4 value boxes) ____

diaper cream & ointment ____

diaper pail  -  FULFILLED!

diaper pail refills  -  FULFILLED or have at least three refills! 

wipes warmers & dispensers ____

portable changing pads & sets ____

hand sanitizer ____

bathing

baby bathtub ____

baby bath towels (6-8)  -  We have two! Still need a "few" more. ;)

wash cloths (10-12)  -  We have six! Still need a "few" more. ;)

shampoo & body wash ____

baby lotion ____

bath toys & storage ____

baby bathrobes ____

dental care ____

health

grooming kit (brush, nail clippers, etc.) ____
thermometer ____
humidifier  -  FULFILLED!
air purifier ____
aspirator ____
laundry detergent ____

__________________

And beyond all these, all I can say is "WHEW!!!" When I first held the Babies R'Us gun scanner and the checklist, I found (and still find) it so overwhelming and so unbelievable that a new human being could need this much! I was pretty much like, "Just how many kinds of blankets are there?!" Don't even get me started on the different clothing sizes or on the number of bibs a baby is supposed to need! As such, we now know we truly need a baby registry otherwise we won't be able to catch up mentally on the things baby needs.

All these I either got free from baby samples or I bought, myself, simply because I can't wait. :)

Mommies-to-be, friends and loved ones, like what I said when I shared information and the link to our baby registries on Facebook, announcing what baby needs is a huge leap for me. One that I would not have done even for our own gift registry when we got married almost five years ago. Getting closer and closer to holding the little wiggling one in me has gotten me inside-out and upside-down over my perspectives on things. Be it sharing one's baby registry or organizing one's own baby shower (which I don't see us doing as we're so busy), it's really nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. In the end, it's not so much about begging or appearing desperate, it's really just all about asking for help in making the little one in you feel loved and welcomed.

2014 Has Been...

... full of surprises!

Why? Off the top of my head, let me list the best reasons:

1. Became pregnant with a baby boy!

The future Sebastian Gabriel Cardenas Prieto made his presence known a day after my birthday and two days after my husband's. His 26th week in my tummy was last Christmas and his 27th is tomorrow, January 1st, 2015!

2. Had the privilege to work as an Air France La Premiere agent.

That striking red scarf against that signature navy blue Christian Lacroix Air France uniform? It's as close as this non-swimmer could get to being a very refined flight attendant.

3. The Fat Kid Inside

Got featured in food blogger/celebrity restaurateur Erwan Heussaff's "The Fat Kid Inside" blog.

It was about that time when I had already been maintaining for a year my 60-lb weight loss! :)

4. Chanel

The bagaholic in me is begging to say that I managed to snag two Chanel flap bags this year. ;p

5. Starstruck

Met and had a personal interaction with huge celebrities, who, ironically, are so well-bred, polite, affable, funny and down-to-earth! The big names include Hollywood celebrity Hilary Swank and her two dogs and SurveyMonkey CEO Dave Goldberg (who also happens to be the husband of Facebook's COO Sheryl Sandberg), among others.

6. London, here we come!

The last month of 2014 surprised me with two roundtrip tickets to London from San Francisco via Virgin Atlantic! Now about baby Sebastian's ticket... nuninuninuninu....

________________

The in-betweens are of course, still a blast. There were minor setbacks but these were nothing that my husband and I couldn't handle together. Earlier, at mass, I could only thank God for all these blessings. My husband and I are still blessed with good health, good food and a roof over our head, the baby in my tummy is continuing his New Year's Eve party as I type and we have wonderful work colleagues, friends and loved ones.

My hopes and prayers for 2015? I don't mind it not being as grand as 2014 as long as my family and I are safe, healthy and happy.

I'm In Love (Weeks 3-21)

Yes. You read it right. I'm in love.

I have been in love since July 20. I remember it being the day after my birthday, at 6 in the morning, and I just went from anxious to giddy. I couldn't contain my excitement that I felt the need to tell everyone who mattered that another important person was about to come into my life.

From July to August, like someone who'd just entered a relationship, I had both highs and lows, certainties and doubts. I was happy one minute, crying the next.

Then someone said what I had was beautiful; that there was a beating heart. And just a few minutes ago, I told my husband I'm in love with a boy. Our baby boy.

Yes. I'm going to be a mom!!

I know. It's been a while since I've become pregnant (two years and almost a month after my first pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage), let alone, blogged. What triggered this post was the private album about baby boy that I uploaded for family members and the closest of my friends to see. I thought, I'm not really full-on celebrating our little one's beating heart and his rolling and kicking in my tummy. In fact, while I constantly blog about random stuff and spend hours editing bag, travel and food photos on Instagram and Facebook, I'm doing our little one a huge injustice by not documenting his hurrahs and milestones the way I did with his older angel sibling.

So here it is. I'm setting aside the doubts and fears. I'm throwing caution to the wind. Baby Boy, after all, has come this far and I need to fight and celebrate with him his victories.

WEEK 3  -  The Day I Found Out
3 Weeks 3 Days (July 20, 2014; 6 am)

It was two days after Sergs's birthday and a day after mine. I had been having non-stop trips to the bathroom even if at the end, I was just peeing little quantities of urine. I knew it could be a pregnancy symptom. While I also knew it was a little too early for my period, a teeny voice urged me to test. Good thing I still had a leftover POAS (pee on a stick) test from the month before. After two or three minutes, I found myself waking up Sergs and showing him the result. I swear. It was rare to see him wake up smiling with an alert voice and alert eyes. Hehe.

WEEK 5  -  Convince Me This Is Normal!  
5 Weeks 3 Days

Spotting that progressed to bleeding, that is. I had been having non-stop spotting since the day I thought I had an implantation, well, with only a day's break. I had been back and forth between Dr. Google and my two OBGYNs and had been constantly going to the toilet to check how my spotting was progressing. Note that by this time, I had already had an urgent care appointment the week prior (my first spotting after what's supposed to be the implantation bleeding) and several trips to the lab for HCG levels. This fifth week and third day, however, was different in the sense that I thought I was losing another pregnancy. The spotting, which I had attributed to my active lifestyle, had been increasing in quantity since my fourth week appointment and seeing a period-like bleeding in my pad had me calling my work supervisor to say I was miscarrying.

Suffice to say, I was excused from work for that day and given a medical certificate that would keep me on modified bed rest for the rest of the week and for the week thereafter c/o the kind urgent care doctor. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. Upon arriving at the medical clinic, the bleeding had stopped (I changed pads to monitor changes). I was told that my cervix was still closed (not dilated!) and that, based on my medical history, it could be fibroids. Or scar tissue.

Or not. The transvaginal ultrasound showed a thickening uterus with a sac that "possibly" contained a fetal pole. It was just too fuzzy and too teeny to distinguish. And the bleeding? The diagnosis was Subchorionic Hematoma or SCH. Those with SCH have blood clots that form within the placenta layers probably as a result of implantation.

WEEK 6  -  First Milestone (A Beating Heart)
6 Weeks 3 Days

Slightly to the southeast of the gestational sac is the SCH. And look!
A definite fetal pole inside the gestational sac.

From the time I started spotting, my husband and I have been saying the novena to St. Gerard, the patron saint of expectant mothers. Since I never got to reach hear a thumpety-thump with my first pregnancy, foremost in our prayer was to hear a beating heart. And beat baby's heart did.

Still spotting (oh by the way, Dr. Google, my OBGYNs and some friends told me SCH is more common than anyone can ever imagine) but fortunately no longer bleeding and hit badly with morning sickness, I was whisked into the medical clinic and barely had any room to breathe or time to prepare when my doctor pointed our child's beating heart. Honestly? All I could distinctly remember that day was hearing our baby's heartbeat. All 116 beats per minute of it. :)

WEEK 7  -  Not Again!
7 Weeks 1 Day

A bleeding episode. Again.

But!

Baby's still okay and was developing well so much so that in spite of the narrower but longer image of the SCH hovering on top of the sac, very distinctive was baby's head. Something tells me this little one's a fighter.

By this time, I'd gone from April Fool's Day of 2015 as my due date to April 2.

WEEK 10  -  A Moving Alien
10 Weeks 3 Days

Sorry, Baby. With your big head, big eyes and circles for hands,
for a minute, I thought I was carrying an alien.

Two weeks prior, a week after my seventh week bleeding, I think I bled again. But like all the other bleeding episodes, it stopped, the scare being replaced by yet again something wonderful: A moving baby.

By the 10th week, however, there were no more bleeding episodes. The spotting had even decreased in quantity. Now whether or not this was because the SCH was healing on its own the way it's normally supposed to or because I had not been exercising as intensely as I normally would (I was even banished from incline walking by the urgent care doctor on Week 8!), I don't know. What I do know is that, during this scheduled appointment (no longer an urgent care!), we saw our baby moving once again and that I seriously thought my baby's face looked like that of an alien's during the ultrasound.

WEEK 12  -  *&$%!@
11 Weeks 6 Days

I read the instructions. I read it twice. Actually, I read it thrice. I even asked a work colleague if I understood it correctly.

For the regular 12th week appointment, otherwise known as the dreaded anomaly scan (to compare results of my Down Syndrome blood screening to ultrasound images), I was instructed to drink at least 24 oz (or 3 glasses) of water starting one hour prior to my 8 am appointment. I was told to not void (not pee). And as if this were not bad enough for someone like me, who, pre-pregnancy, peed within 45 minutes of drinking a ton of water, my appointment was in San Francisco.

San Francisco!

Oh this one's for the books. San Francisco is 30 minutes by car from our house in South San Francisco if you take into consideration the normal weekday morning rush hour traffic. By the time my husband stopped in front of the Kaiser Medical Center in San Francisco on Geary, I could barely get off the car. At the waiting area, each minute I wasn't called after my schedule at 8 am, all 10 torture-filled minutes of it, I was threatening to go to the toilet to relieve myself.

And what do you know?! The tech saw my bladder as being too full that she made me release two cups.

But back to our baby's stats. Hubby and I were so amazed to see a more well developed miniature human being. Yep. No longer an alien. What's more, our little one passed the Down Syndrome Screening for the first trimester! Milestone Numero Dos! And before I forget, no more SCH! What a way to say goodbye to the first trimester!

WEEK 20  -  Team Blue Wins!
19 Weeks 4 Days

Look closely. There's little boy's secret in the middle. :)

Around this time, I definitely had been feeling the baby move since Week 18. But until the yet again 8 am ultrasound, this time, in Daly City (my work shift at the SFO Airport started at 10:30 am), I had yet to know if my wiggling baby would make Team Blue or Team Pink rejoice.

For my anatomy scan, the first thing the ultrasound technician asked me was if I would like to know what we're having. I find this a very respectful procedure question as there are some women (like my boss who's also pregnant), for their own personal reasons which shopaholic me (I'm tired of unisex baby clothes!) would neither accept nor understand, who choose not to know. So what did I say? Why "yes", of course! :)

Let me also just say that for this scan, I was made to drink only two glasses. But then, the instruction was slightly different. I was instructed to stop drinking one hour before the appointment. I frankly do not know which was worse. The fluid instructions during Week 12 or this one. But as expected, I was asked to void and this time, the tech needed an empty bladder. I was mentally clapping when she said I would fill back up fast as anyway, I seem pretty well-hydrated. Yay!

As for the big reveal? It had me hearing the word "scrotum" and "penis" and seeing the actual images. Yup. There's no denying it. We're having a baby boy!

When I got home, I compared baby boy's development photos from the 12th week to the 20th week. It was a huge gap. A two-month gap to be exact. He's looking plump for his first before and after and taking after mommy not only with his rounded forehead and chubby cheeks, but also with his refusal to budge (he was too comfortable in his sitting position) so the tech could take photos of all the angles of his heart. Lol. And what do I think he got from his daddy? His nose and possibly, his eyes!

WEEK 21  -  Caught In The Act!
20 Weeks 6 Days

Yawning? Laughing? Drinking?
Dr. Google and the ultrasound tech say he's drinking (the amniotic fluid, that is).

So because baby boy refused to give the poor tech the image she wanted, I had to go back for a second ultrasound. Hubby and I thought it's probably our naughty little one's way of wanting us to see him again.

And did we see him! In spite of him wiggling in place, he wasn't budging at first for a better view of his heart's angles. The tech got "creative" and made me pee (I was made to drink only 8 oz or 1 glass before the scan!). When it didn't work, she got even more creative and made me dance while waiting for her to come back with cold grape juice (they say something sour, sugary and cold could make babies move in utero).

Ten minutes after drinking the juice, my tech came back to see me laying on my left side, coaxing little boy to shift positions. With a little more prodding c/o the tech's ultrasound wand, the anatomy scan was finally completed.

Before leaving, we were even treated to a little show from our baby boy: We saw him opening his mouth to drink my amniotic fluid! And he did this twice! That grape juice must have tasted so good! :)

__________________________

A beating heart. A wiggling body. An opening mouth. Wow! What a glorious affirmation of life! Our baby boy has grown from a mere poppy seed (and of course, even smaller) to a now almost a foot long carrot.

I don't know if we'll have another chance to see an ultrasound of our baby boy before the April 2 due date. I desperately want a 3D photo of his face. Sadly, Kaiser doesn't allow it unless it's needed even if I offer to pay out of pocket. Until then, my husband, Sergs, and I, will continuously be praying for a healthy, safe and normal pregnancy, for baby to come out alive with no complications for him and for me and for my husband and me to have the physical, mental and spiritual strength and the resources to raise our little one in God's name.

I love you, my little one. Mommy can't wait to hold you in her arms. I'll see you in April, my prince. <3

Of Mankind's Sense of Humanity: The Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 Tragedy

It's been so long since I was off on a Thursday. I don't remember anymore if I ever was off on the day before my weekly two-day off in my year and a half with Air France. Regardless, I would have spent a lazy Thursday, Pacific Time, lounging around the house, planning my husband's birthday the next day and mine the day after, exercising at the complex gym and carefully prepping strictly portion-controlled meals. Instead, at 9 am, my planned day changed, but not as dramatic and as completely as those on Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 (MH 17).

SOULS

Anyone applying for a security badge at the San Francisco International Airport (SFO), and probably, at any international airports, at least in the USA, would notice that emergency training manuals do not classify or describe victims of flight-related tragedies as "passengers". A fellow Air France passenger service agent of mine pointed out how eerie that they are instead called "souls".

I'd say it couldn't be merely reduced to "eerie". They are called "souls" because they have so much more value in them than the mere shell we call "body".

It was first reported that there were 295 souls who were onboard MH 17; that all of these perished in what is now being called an "act of terror". The number was later amended to include three more to the list.

Two hundred ninety-eight souls. This means that minus the 15 crew members onboard, the flight on that doomed Boeing 777-200 was full at possibly between 96 to 100% capacity.

INVOLVED

The word "involved" could mean different things. It could mean one is in a relationship with another. It could mean one is affected over things.

I am a combination of the two definitions.

The sheer immensity of the number is more than enough reason for anyone who knows the value of a single life hold their loved ones close.

The intense suddenness of the way these people died is more than enough reason for anyone to acknowledge the value of safety and security at any given place, at any given time.

And I, being not just a ground crew for an international airline that used the same route prior to the tragedy, but also a human being who flies on commercial planes and sees loved ones off in airports, am struck to the core.

DISBELIEF

Like what another colleague and I agreed about, the fact that we interact with passengers on the flights for which we provide service almost everyday of our lives is enough for us to sincerely wish them a safe flight. And yes, this includes even those who treat us with disrespect due to overweight carry-ons.

Those working in the aviations/airline industry know that tragedies like this know no race, religious or political beliefs, even attitudes or personalities. The victims could be anyone's mother, father, daughter, son, friend, co-worker, enemy, wife or husband. It could be any politician (such as the late Georgia Congressman McDonald when the Korean Airlines plane he was on was shot down near Russia in 1983) or any celebrity (singer Aaliyah died in a plane crash in The Bahamas in 2001). It could be anyone.

Which is perhaps the reason why the emotional Cancerian in me perhaps became too involved in (an ongoing) heated discussion on CNN's Facebook page over the avoidance of blaming the unnecessary (read: US politics) and instead praying for the victims.

Said discussion was due to a post of CNN over President Obama's declaration of the US offering any assistance "to help determine what happened and why". Comments about how he is the reason why this happened appeared left and right. Such prompted me to ignore my plan of food prepping and going to the gym and to sit for long hours in the couch responding to borderline irrational comments I received when I said:

"295 people dead, possibly several US citizens on board and all some people could think is how Obama is terrible for the US! really?! Take your opinions somewhere else. Least you could do is pray for those who died."


Over 300 likes and 46 clashing replies to my post. Those were really not the numbers that, as of this writing, I was looking forward to seeing each time my phone pings me with a new reply to my post as I know it's absolutely unbelievable how some people choose to constantly insert their hate-filled political ideologies nevermind that this very trash-talking is the last thing on the mind of those who lost loved ones.

I mean, the question is simple: When someone, be it a loved one, a co-worker or a stranger with whom you had just made a striking interaction, has just died regardless of the circumstance of death, are talks about politics the first thing you would want to hear?

MOVING FORWARD

Two hours into the whole world knowing about what happened to MH 17, I was actually in bed, crying. Beside me was a half empty bag of Sweet Potato Pop Chips (delays, cancellations and any airline-related problems DO make me stress eat). I was like, screw the calorie counting and my plan to exercise. I'm grieving.

So much for moving forward, huh. But seriously, and not to justify my stress eating, it must be a general rule that before it is mercifully possible to say "move forward" or "move on", one should be allowed a time to grieve. A time to mourn. A time to shut up and not say anything. A time to allow the person to assess the huge value of what he or she will eventually unload.

In the eyes of each person who approaches me at the check-in lobby, I see our Dutch KLM passengers who, perhaps, God forbid, knows someone in the doomed Malaysia Airlines flight. I see a 65-year old mother who has just been operated on her knees, unable to walk far distances and patiently waiting for a wheelchair that might just take 30 to 40 minutes to arrive. I see a 50-year old dad who doesn't care about a VIP welcoming committee upon his arrival in Paris  -  he just wants to see his 10-year old daughter so they are able to board together on his next flight. I see a humble heiress to a big fortune who gives away her seat so her grandmother would be more comfortable. I see a couple excited to celebrate their wedding anniversary. I see newlyweds moving to a different country. I see a pretty model who cheerfully talks about her fashion style. I see a businessman carrying a gift for his son and his wife in his carry-on. I see a wife, accompanying her traveling husband to the check-in counter. I see an unaccompanied minor. I see a newborn baby. I see a playful Golden Retriever. I see a purring observant cat.

I see myself, taking as much time as possible with my fiance before finally going to the security area.

I see myself, anxiously waiting for boarding, reluctantly leaving the country so abruptly that my husband couldn't file a leave to accompany me because my dad was suddenly very sick.

I see my husband with his small check-in bag and his small carry-on, the combined weights of which are equivalent to one big check-in bag of mine.

The thought of him going home after taking me to the airport, the thought of me starting my shift after seeing him off at his boarding gate, the thought of granting the warmest of my well wishes to understanding and empathetic passengers who could see the look of distress on my face after handling a challenging customer, the thought of unexpectedly receiving commendation and appreciation from a VIP for the service my colleagues and I provide, AND THEN TRAGEDY STRIKES  -  these are more than enough for me to wish and hope that even if we don't know anyone who perished on MH 17, we'd take time to pause and place ourselves in their position before we say or do anything that might further add insult to injury so much so that we might lose our sense of humanity.

2015 Goals and Dreams

It's been a long while since I've written on this blog as I mostly frequent Instagram, with it being more convenient (whip out your phone, take a photo, write a caption and post).

As thin as that a thousand-dollar MacBook Air for 20% of the price

Since I've taken to liking the new Samsung Chromebook Sergs supposedly bought for the two of us, I might as well post something here.

So what have I been up to lately? Well, aside from the ups and downs of my weight recently (which has never gone lower than 119 lbs since our Philippine vacation in May and not lower than 118 lbs since my crazy fertility treatments), I've been battling skin breakouts caused by the same treatments I have been undergoing. A co-worker took notice and suggested that I drink more water (I'm so far on point with at least half of my body weight in oz per Chris Powell's tip) but like what I told her, it comes with the territory: I want a baby.

This wanting to have a baby has had me planning the next 12 to 16 months of my life with a timeline, to wit:

August  -  resume in-hospital fertility treatment with IUI #3
September - IUI #4 if #3 doesn't work
October - vacation in New York/New Jersey
November or December - IUI #5 if #4 doesn't work
January to June - @$*x% rest my body from the injections, the crazy medications and the no-exercise rule from the day of the insemmination to when you know nothing implanted
July - Paris/Rome vacation
August/September/October - IVF if nothing else works (LAST RESORT)

From what's on my list, I'm mostly excited with Paris/Rome vacation schedule. So excited that in fact, I already have a working budget ($5500 shopping money) and a rough general itinerary in mind:

July 23, 2015 (Thursday) - Take the night flight to CDG from SFO (AF 85) with a standby business class ticket (praying to the gods of booking and reservations that J class isn't full on that day otherwise I'd be gleeful to accept Premium Economy which isn't so bad if my supervisors still like me enough to grant either of the two).
July 24, 2015 (Friday) - arrive in CDG at 5 pm and fly to FCO at 8 pm
July 25, 2015 (Saturday) - whole day in Rome Part 1
July 26, 2015 (Sunday) - attend mass at the Vatican  -  A HUGE MUST; whole day in Rome Part 2

July 27, 2015 (Monday) - whole day in Rome Part 3
July 28, 2015 (Tuesday) - fly back to CDG and arrive after lunch
July 29, 2015 (Wednesday) - Have lunch at Le Jules Verne (reserve months before for their 3-course lunch experience) Restaurant at the Eiffel Tower. Lunch check is ON ME - gotta have the famed Chef Alain Ducasse experience! I mean, if I can't have his dishes served at the La Premiere Lounge of AF in CDG, I might as well be at his restaurant!! Seriously, I would rather buy two Chanel purses than purchase a $10K one way plane ticket to Paris from SF.

The entrance to Le Jules Verne is a the base of the Eiffel Tower
and the restaurant itself is 125 meters up from the ground. (Photo Not Mine)

July 30, 2015 (Thursday) - whole day in Paris
July 31, 2015 (Friday) - whole day in Paris; shopping at, ehem, 31 Rue Cambon and at, ehem, Champs-Elysees (if you know me well enough, you'd know what's in those places)
August 1, 2015 (Saturday) - fly back to SFO via AF 84 on that Airbus 380 of ours :)

All I need is that blue passport to be on this big baby! ETA of that blue passport: End of this year or early next year :)

Crazy and as thoroughly ostentatious as all these sound, I can only truly hope and pray that we don't have to go to the extent of jumping in the IVF bandwagon. My only point of relief in IVF after all is, from what I have been reading, the deep sedation that happens during egg collection. My profanities in mind certainly declare my dislike for having to go through another pain like what I had during my first HSG (Google if you're unfamiliar with this) per a nurse cousin of my bestfriend.

My dear baby, I only need one egg for you to form. Please materialize. Mommy is sacrificing gym time and cheat meal days (because there should be lesser gym time). Not that those so much matter really (clean eating... clean eating... clean eating... clean eating) as, like what my deal is with my breakouts: Anything to have a baby.

The photo quote says it all. When such time comes, that's when I'd start new goals and dreams.